In the Crowd, I don’t see a thing…

In the build up to the 4^th Test, there has been an interesting number of discussions about the make-up of both teams and by the time this feature slides onto screens both should have been announced. England very kindly matched my selection but a strong rumour has it that Mitch Marsh has managed to retain the all-rounder slot ahead of Cameron Green. Come what may, the two elevens are only one part of the fixture. 

 

The umpires of course will have their input, albeit in this day & age their influence is only felt after their competence has been questioned up to a maximum of 3 times each by both teams per innings. Our CCTV world has relegated the Umpires from arch decision makers to glorified ball-counting hat & coat stands, with their future involvement to be diminished further by AI in the coming years (welcome to the club)!

 

However, the fascinating difference could well be what happens in the stands, boxes and concourses of Old Trafford. The sanctimonious hysteria in the Australian Press, especially after the Lord’s episode has been quite something to behold. Patently none of them have ever seen or heard SCG members imparting their advice for overseas teams/supporters or sharing/showering their ghastly VB over incoming fielders. No surprise really given that the SMHacks are so far removed from ordinary fans these days. 

 

Cricket crowds have undoubtedly changed and in particular Ashes crowds have risen to the apex of passion and ribaldry. The emergence of the travelling Barmy Army (way back in the last century) has given birth to a couple of copycat Aussie outfits, most notably the Fanatics and the Richie’s (who don’t seem to travel). The obligatory fancy dress has gone from quirky to zany and back and the admirable colour days (Pink Test, Red Test, Blue Test to name but three) are positively embraced by both sets of supporters. 

 

In the early days of a more terrace-oriented participation the English support ruled the roost with a dazzling array of football adapted tunes and lyrics (well they still do, to be brutally honest), whereas the poor old Aussies only had (have?) two songs and they were pretty atrocious, namely; “Aussie, Aussie, Aussie Oi! Oi! Oi!” and the equally banal, “Come on Aussie, Come on, Come on. Come on Aussie, come on”. 

 

The Barmy Army (both home and more crucially away) would openly laugh in the faces of the bemused Aussie fans and then respond with any number of reposts; “You’ve only got two songs”, “You only sing when you’re winning/drinking/batting/bowling” etc etc. To be fair they have added a rather lukewarm version of “Advance, Australia Fair” to their songbook and a lacklustre rendition of “Waltzing Matilda” occasionally sees the light of day but seriously… From the land of Nick Cave, Dave Graney, Robert Foster and Grant McLennan, you would expect better, much better. But they should be so lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky! 

 

One of my favourite ever cricket fan experiences was in Adelaide at the beginning of the 2010-11 Tour. England were taking things a bit seriously and had arranged a couple of proper tour games, one of which was against a better than normal South Australian XI. I made my way down to the City of Churches (Aussie code for nothing happens in Adelaide) and headed to the ground. Play meandered on under an unrelenting sun and the arrival of lunch meant three things for travelling supporters. Find a pub, get some beer and write some new songs for the upcoming series. 

 

An early suggestion was to co-opt the melody of the old Bahamian folk tune ‘Sloop John B.’ made famous by The Beach Boys and someone suggested singing something involving Andrew Strauss along the lines of “We wanna go home, give up Straussy, we wanna go home”. The tune was ok, but the rather negative message was poorly received, more drinks were ordered, thinking caps donned and a more aggressive approach was required. A pen was requisitioned and I remember writing the following words on the paper table cloth with 5 or 6 members of the Barmy Army in attendance… “He bowls to the left, He bowls to the right, that Mitchell Johnson…” There was a pause around the table.

 

When the final version was written down, we all looked at each other. Cricket songs, unlike football or indeed rugby songs rarely had profanities in them. We looked and sang again, ‘Shite’ isn’t too bad, is it? Certainly, better with the addition of the northern e at the end to make it sound a little more Liam Gallagher-y. No sooner had we all stopped laughing uncontrollably at our creation, the beer drenched, ink-stained paper tablecloth was folded up and whisked away to be sent to Barmy Army High Command for ratification, publication and circulation. (Surely, they’d edit out the swear word). 

 

A few weeks later at the SCG, I had the joy of hearing those words echo round Moore Park as poor old Mitch came down the steps, walked to the middle, took guard, faced a delivery, tucked his bat back under his arm and trudged back from the middle and stomped back up the steps to the soundtrack of 10,000 recruits to the Barmy Army bellowing out ‘our’ song, replete with the additional E. At that moment we all knew just how big a part we had played in securing the Ashes. That song had been the soundtrack to the summer. 

 

Modern players say that they can shut out the noise, they are in a bubble, they can’t hear a thing but I know different. We got inside Mitchell Johnson that day and yes, we paid for it 4 years later when he took his well-earned revenge but in that Aussie season we knew the power of being a unified crowd. 

 

So, whilst on paper and man-for-man this Australian team (World Champions) should clobber this mixture of Joe Root, aging medium pacers, technically challenged and/or inexperienced batters and walking wounded that comprise the current England team (Reigning Olympic Champions!!). If the Old Trafford crowd can fire up early, we have a chance… Because

 

When I'm in the crowd, I don't see anything

My mind goes a blank, in the humid sunshine

When I'm in the crowd I don't see anything…

 

In the crowd – The Jam

Written by: PAUL JOHN WELLER

Lyrics © BMG Rights Management, Universal Music Publishing Group

Jack Nash

19/7/23

 

Manchester Dreaming

The Ashes 2023 press pack are quite a dreary bunch and I should know because I’m one of them. They invariably hunt & write as a pack. From the first time I sat in the press box at Lords for a long-forgotten B&H final I have always marvelled at the way a group of individually very articulate journos manage to fine tune their language in a way that makes them virtually interchangeable. The collective viewpoint invariably holds sway. 

There are notable exceptions, Mike Atherton & Gideon Haigh (who was a key contributor to JM96* back in the day) are two of the more individual thinkers, whose insights and perspective are to be carefully followed and cogitated on. The majority of the others fall into two packs, the bitter Englishmen and the one-eyed Aussies, both of whom thrash away in their own safe space before gently slipstreaming into a mutually agreed position. 

 

Current thinking is that England have backed themselves into a corner and go into the Old Trafford test without a Test level no. 3, having selected Moeen Ali to clog up that space on the scorecard and by picking Jimmy Anderson to replace the back spasm prone Olly Robinson. Thus, leaving England with one of the oldest bowling opening pairs in cricket history (again)!

 

In fact, the numbers might well suggest that Mo is a weak link given his 13.14 average batting at first drop, he has barely played any red ball cricket and even at the height of his test career he always looked better lower down the order. A left-hander with some glorious strokes in his portfolio but a man prone to succumb sooner rather than later to temptation. 

 

As for England’s most successful Test bowler of all time, it’s true that Jimmy has also battled to impose himself on the Aussies so far in this series. However, I could prattle on about the pitches at Edgbaston & Lords, but I’ll spare you the effort. If you want that head over to CricketGroupThink.com (C/O; Fleet St, SMHacks). Quite honestly though… who cares?

 

The truth of the matter is cricket is the ultimate dream sport. No other game embraces the past, the history, tradition and collective memory as much as cricket, whilst at the same time it relentlessly tweaks the present with an unblinking (if not always focussed) eye on the future. Cricket spectators, writers, administrators and players are all helpless dreamers.

 

Our Dreams (or nightmares) about that missed catch, that rash shot, that glorious innings, that club cricket tour that only lasted one over (with the rest of the time spent in the hotel bar watching Botham comeback from a drugs bar), that frightening spell by the demon quick, that plan to make cricket an Olympic Sport (again – NB. The Great Britain XI are the reigning Olympic Champions – that’s 123 years unbeaten!!) etcetera, are the essence of cricket!

 

A game without dreams can hollow out our soul, just ask anyone who had to tolerate a team lead by Don Revie, or another turgid one-nil to the Arsenal performance, or the 70’s/80’s win at all costs All Blacks, or the grinding cynicism of Argentina 1990, or Australia at Newlands 2018. Dream killers one and all. 

 

How does that relate to the 4^th Test? Simple – The dream goes like this. 

 

On a murky Manchester morning…

 

Stokes flips the 50p he cadged off Baz in the dressing room before heading out, Cummins calls ‘Heads’, the coin lands tails on grass. Australia had considered batting but decide to insert (a twofold rationale, the weather and to blunt the English penchant for chasing down any score imaginable). 

 

The ball starts hooping around from the off. England are 3 down within an hour, 5 by lunchtime for a paltry sixty-something. The sun bursts over Old Trafford, like a Johnny Marr riff shimmering in the heavens. Moeen Ali (dropped off only his second delivery) has managed to cling on, more by dint of avoiding the strike than anything else. 

 

But now, with Mancunian voices filling the air with encouragement, he starts to compile the innings of his life, from nudge & nurdle, he starts to glide and caress and finally slap and crack the ball to all parts of the ground. His century comes up in the second over after tea, a slog sweep off the hapless Aussie part time spinner and former captain.

 

England are finally all out in the 5^th over of the 3^rd day’s play (rain having washed out all of day 2). The ball is given to Jimmy Anderson, he walks back to his mark at the James Anderson end, he stops briefly, he turns and sets off…

 

The dream is alive! 

 

Jack Nash

18/7/23

The 2023 Ashes - 4th Test Preview by Jack Nash

 And so…

 

The Ashes often flatters to deceive, especially when England are the touring party. By this stage in an Australian hosted series, with match 4 looming, the home team’s only concern would be how to recover from a raucous couple of days celebrating series victory and retention of the blessed urn. 

 

Fortunately, recent series’ in the UK have at least been a little more balanced and the 2023 version appears no different. All three games, as my fellow scribes have rightly attested, have been close run things and either side could have wrapped up the whole thing if a couple more catches had stuck, or tails hadn’t wagged. Anyway, we are where we are, with both sides yet to fully fire on all cylinders and yet the entertainment and tension are bobbing along at the top end of the Botham-Stokes Scale. 

 

A few days out from the fourth test at Old Trafford and the armchair selectors are in fine form. England are trying to work out how to make up for the loss of Pope (the Ali-Lawrence-Root conundrum in full effect). They are also working out how best to juggle their seam attack with Robinson seemingly to be rested after his back buckled under the strain of too many bouncers and rather average chat (Sledging! – JR Editor). The more dynamic approach would be to reinstate Josh Tongue and give the Aussies a “lickle bit of an ‘urry up” but the more pragmatic and romantic approach would be to bring back THE Jimmy Anderson to assert control and add his remarkable guile into the mix. 

 

I won’t dwell on Jimmy’s series so far. However, I genuinely look forward to him sticking it to both the Aussie team, their rather ordinary press pack (boy, have I got stories to tell…) and the smattering of English talking heads who need to renew their assorted punditry contracts and reckon the best way is to be more confrontational than is either seemly or wise. 

 

Over in the other dressing room the question mark that has hovered over the head of David Warner (like Frank Gorshin as The Riddler on a theatrical fly) has swamped pre-match conversation in the clubs and bars of Warner’s home stomping ground of Coogee. The fact that his car park slot now reads “D.Warner bowled Broad” demonstrates the extent to which everyone in cricket knows exactly what’s going to happen when Mr Sandpaper meets The Nighthawk (aka Malfoy). 

 

Does Cummins have the guts to drop the pugnacious Warner? Is he worried how the opener’s wife might take it? Does the Australian Coach (name?) have a say in the matter at all? That decision might well have an impact on whether Mitch Marsh holds his spot. Cameron Green reclaims his place or if both all-rounders get a run. 

 

History suggests Marsh will lose out (as does Geoff Marsh who shared his thoughts with a roving Jardine Reporter a couple of days ago). Warner will cling on to his place and Hazlewood will replace the club medium pacer Boland who seems to have been rumbled. 

 

Aussie concern over the involvement of spinner Todd Murphy in the third test should not lead to him being jettisoned from the match day team in Manchester but the Aussie Coach (whatshisname?) would not confirm he was definitely going to play. 

Anyway, we only have a couple of days to wait until all is revealed. England will announce their team nice and early, which is either a sign of confidence or bravado (or both). The Aussies normally leave it until nearer the start: Clever? Cagey? (or both).

 

Anyway, not to be outdone. Here are my selections:

 

England

 

1.     Crawley

2.     Duckett

3.     Ali

4.     Root

5.     Brook

6.     Stokes

7.     Bairstow

8.     Woakes

9.     Wood

10.  Broad

11.  Anderson

 

Australia

 

1.     Khawaja

2.     Warner

3.     Labuschagne

4.     Smith

5.     Head

6.     Green

7.     Carey

8.     Starc

9.     Cummins

10.  Murphy

11.  Hazelwood

 

 

Jack Nash

17/7/23

 

 

Ashes 2019 - Selection meeting

After much conferring the selection panel (Bunny, The Young Maltravers, Mrs Denby & I) have come to the conclusion that the following XII should be considered for the First Test against Australia at Edgbaston (subject to fitness).

• Joe Root (C)
• Jos Buttler (VC)
• Moeen Ali
• Jimmy Anderson
• Joffra Archer
• Jonny Bairstow
• Rory Burns
• Stuart Broad
• Zac Crawley
• Jason Roy
• Ben Stokes
• Chris Woakes

Forget 2019 and all that... This is TEST cricket

Remember how England's rugby team plummeted after winning the 2003 Rugby World Cup in Sydney. World Champions to chumps in a matter of months. Or even further back when Scotland beat England 3-2 at Wembley in 1967, less than a year after Bobby Moore lifted the Jules Rimet trophy at the same ground. Or, sticking to cricket, England's rapid demise after regaining the Ashes in 2005 (Australia whitewash 2006-07).

The tendency for English sportsmen to see reaching the top as the sole limit of their ambition is a something of a rather depressing national trait. Unlike previous Australia or West Indies dynasties, there is an inbuilt relax button that our team seem only too ready to press. But surely nothing can demonstrate this better than England's shabby performance in the first Test match of this summer against Ireland.

The fact that this is only Ireland's* third test match ever was not an excuse to pick a hotchpotch of a side. Sure, rest injured players but do not waltz into this game without a serious game plan and a serious desire to win.

A lot has been made of England's desire to play an exciting brand of cricket, something that Eoin Morgan's ODI side managed to do consistently (clear plans + clear roles = clear expectations). However, England's test team do not have such a steely eyed Captain and more importantly, they don't seem to have a plan/clue.

The inclusion of 50-over top gun Jason Roy makes a lot of sense, given his obvious attributes. There is no doubt he could become a very important top order batsmen and a calculated risk worth taking. However, his technique is not robust enough to consistently score big over the 5 day format. But that is fine, just as long as the rest of the team don't believe they should bat like the Surrey man too. Current Test Skipper Root had a good World Cup, he made runs when he batted like a test cricketer. As soon as he tries to reinvent himself as a 20/20 dasher the problems arise. (His stint in the Big Bash in Australia demonstrated his flaws all too frequently).

And there are plenty more examples of very talented cricketers over stretching themselves all the way down the batting order. Bairstow's pair highlights his early innings frailties. Moeen hardly warrants a slot above No.9 and Woakes is a bowler who can bat but he is palpably not a natural test all-rounder.

Cricket in general is over-burdoned with ghastly proto-management speak: 'Executing our plans', 'Playing our brand of cricket' (even I fell into the trap in the 4th paragraph of this piece), blah-di-blah-di.... And somehow now the idea of playing an 'exciting brand of cricket' has usurped playing 'winning cricket'. I'm not sure that this new approach is legitimately increasing people's enjoyment. Yes, it is far more refreshing to see Jos Buttler cart Pat Cummins into Row Z of the Tavern Stand than to see him playing and missing. But, it is even more exciting to see him construct a century mixing power, finesse and intelligence - as opposed to an agricultural smear strewn 24 off 6 balls.

England have got huge talent in their test ranks but and it is a massive but, they will tarnish their legacy if they continue to throw their wickets away with such alarming frequency. They are better than this! However, unless the coach and captain swiftly remedy their 'plans', they will spend the summer dodging press conferences and clutching at straws.

And finally, just in case anyone is in any doubt. Winning cricket does not mean winning at all costs (that has been rightly condemned - Smith/Warner/Bancroft will always be known as cheats). But winning cricket (especially in the Ashes) is what England expects. If an exciting "brand" of cricket earns you victory then fantastic, if over-reliance upon it brings you defeat, then perhaps you are missing the point of 5 day TEST match cricket...

*A more detailed look at Ireland's performance will appear later.

It's been a while but Jardine is back...

I can only apologise for my tardiness in posting here - totally unacceptable I know. I got bizarrely sidetracked by a thing called Twitter. Where by the way, you can still find me in a state of high dudgeon on a regular basis

@jardinereport

Mr Jardine

England - World Champions

What a game, what a wonderful, remarkable game!

Thank you to both teams. 

4-0 down and one more to go...

Barely has one England embarrassment happened than another one follows it up with the same frequency of England batsmen whirring through the revolving door on the dressing room. The last two days performance at the MCG must rank alongside the very worst of the last decade (and we've seen a few).

As promised the Jardine Report will reserve final judgement until after Australia wrap the series up at the SCG. In the meantime, here is some food for though for the England selectors (assuming the current squad is all that we can choose from).

1. Cook ©
2. Root
3. Bell
4. Pietersen
5. Ballance
6. Stokes
7. Prior (w)
8. Broad
9. Finn
10. Anderson
11. Panesar

Dispirited? Embarrassed?

I'm afraid so.

Graeme Swann: England bowler retires from cricket

England bowler Graeme Swann has announced he is retiring from all forms of cricket with immediate effect.

The Nottinghamshire off-spinner is sixth on the list of England's highest wicket-takers.

Great work Swanny - We're going to miss you!

Third Test

Err… We lost!

Full post mortem to follow...

All that really remains of the Adelaide Oval

(see full image)

Second Test - Second Day

The catchphrase 'England Toil' was invented on days like these.

A scene from better days

Second Test - Day One

Not a bad day for the good guys but three dropped catches could prove the difference by the end of the match.

Australia 273-5 at the close.

Second Test - Michael Clarke Axed!

In a shock announcement England have confirmed that Michael Clarke has been dropped as chairman of the England Selectors after the woeful performance in Brisbane. Clarke had previously announced the England side for the 2nd Test but behind the scenes manoeuvring has seen Clarke ousted from the prestigious role. The knock on effect is that Clarke's two picks Gary Balance and Tim Bresnan have been replaced by Monty Panesar and Ben Stokes.

Monty celebrates Clarke's demise as Chairman of Selectors

England blame selectors for defeat in First Test

After the heavy defeat in the first test match in Brisbane the England Selectors have come under severe scrutiny. Current Chairman of England selectors Michael Clarke has been given an ultimatum to come up with a winning combination in the Adelaide Test or he faces the risk of losing his role as England's cricketing supremo!

The fact that Clarke is the Australian Test Captain has been sited as one of the reasons cited for England's poor performance in Brisbane. However, plucky Gok Wan devotee Michael Clarke has denied that his role as Aussie skipper has had any impact on his decision making. When pressed on the matter he started prattling on about "executing plans" and "keeping up the aggression" and at that stage your JR correspondent made his excuses and left.

Michael Clarke is 32.

A Captain's Influence

I thought Michael Clarke would like to know about an incident I witnessed yesterday.

In a representative training match the first ball of the session was a bouncer. This was then followed up by the wicketkeeper suggesting the batsmen was then going to get, and I quote, "his fucking arm broken".

The players were all U-13's.

He must be very proud.

Mitchell Johnson - Go West!

Erratic Australian opening bowler and backing vocalist in the Village People Mitchell Johnson has dismissed the suggestion of a truce with England following a bad-tempered Ashes opener, according to the BBC.

Jonathan Trott was openly criticised in a press conference by David Warner (Warner's second cowardly attack of the year) before his stress-related exit from the Ashes. And Australia's Captain Michael Clarke was fined for an obscenity while warning James Anderson to expect a broken arm. 

"Their coach wants a truce from what I've heard. That's not going to change from our end," said Johnson. 

"I think it's worked for us. I definitely think they're rattled by it. They don't like it at all". 

Johnson then went on to promote his forthcoming role in "Go West" a musical about his rags to riches transition from local club cricketer to backing vocalist in notoriously macho 70's disco band Village People to wayward opening bowler for Western Australia and self-styled "terrifying" opening bowler for 5th ranked world test team Australia. From Village Green via Village People to the WACA!

David Warner - Now it all makes sense

Harmison on Warner

Former England fast bowler Steve Harmison, who also endured problems while on tour with his country, believes Warner's comments about Jonathon Trott were "bang out of order".

"Just remember this guy has a short memory," Harmison told BBC Radio 5 live. "Six months ago this guy attacked an England cricketer and every time any England player was asked they said Cricket Australia were dealing with it.

"That showed respect. David Warner's mouth was three seconds quicker than his brain. It sums him up. He might be a fantastic, explosive cricketer but every time that bloke opens his mouth something stupid comes out of it.

"I've defended him a lot as I used to play with him but that was the final straw, it was horrendous. To try and humiliate a fellow cricketer was bang out of order."

Jonathon Trott

It has been announced that Jonathon Trott is leaving the ashes tour with a stress related illness. It can only be hoped that he makes a full recovery.

Whilst apparently he arrived in Australia with concerns and is not in any way related to the outcome of the first test it is a timely reminder to everyone (including us here at The Jardine Report) to keep this game we love in perspective!

Classless Clarke fined for 'broken arm' comment

Australia captain Michael Clarke has been fined 20% of his match fee for warning England's James Anderson to expect a broken arm reports the BBC.

Clarke was found guilty of breaching the International Cricket Council code of conduct for using language or a gesture that is obscene or insulting. Anderson was preparing to face fast bowler Mitchell Johnson.It was one of several flash points in a bad-tempered match that saw the hosts record a 381-run victory in Brisbane.

But Australia coach Darren Lehmann says his side will stay aggressive.
"I like our boys being aggressive as long as they don't cross the line," he said.
"I certainly like to play hard cricket. I've no problems with that at all.
"It's always going to be hard-fought between Australia and England. It certainly was in England; that's not changing here."

Clarke defended his sledging after the game, dismissing it as "banter". He said: "Through my career, there has always been banter on the cricket field and I cop as much as I give, that's for sure.

"All the England players know we certainly respect them. I've heard a lot worse said on a cricket field than what the Australia players or the England players said throughout this Test match."

In addition to Clarke's comments to Anderson, opener David Warner was criticised for being "disrespectful" by England captain Alastair Cook. Warner upset England with comments about batsman Jonathan Trott, whose dismissal in the second innings in Brisbane he described as "poor and weak".

"David Warner has the X-factor," said 43-year-old Lehmann. "He has an opinion. If he has crossed the line, the ICC [International Cricket Council] will deal with it."

The ICC has, however, taken a dim view of Clarke's comments, which were reported by umpire Kumar Dharmasena and third umpire Marais Erasmus after being picked up by a stump microphone.

In a statement the ICC said: "Clarke was found to have breached Article 2.1.4 of the ICC Code of Conduct which relates to 'using language or a gesture that is obscene, offensive or insulting during an International Match'.

Lehmann, who made 27 Test appearances between 1998 and 2004, says the hosts will also continue to attack with bat and ball.

First Test Review - Grace under pressure?

A very tough last three days at The Gabba for England has seen them comprehensively beaten by Australia in the first test. There are few positives, if any, to take out of their performance. Broad's bowling again showed a competitive mix of fire and intelligence. Carberry looked composed (and was very unlucky in the second innings) and Cook showed his traditional control and restraint in the second innings. 

However, the performances of Trott, Prior & Swanny all leave major question marks over how England can possibly hope to turn the series around. From the first ball Prior looked underpowered and far less engaged than normal in the field which was a real surprise and surely a knock on effect of his injury. His batting too looked very shaky. But he is an absolute battler and will surely improve throughout the series. Swanny's bowling at the SCG warm up v An Invitation XI looked flat and uninspired (no loop or drift) and this form continued into Brisbane. Trott's nervousness against the short ball was exposed in England and his technique has been found wanting. He's going to have to put in a massive stint in the nets to find a solution in time for Adelaide. 

Much has been made of the Aussie aggression and sledging. It is nothing new, just the same old schoolboy nonsense but from different players. Sure Johnson can bowl quick but for the first 5 overs he looked woeful and only a false shot by Trott steadied his palpably frail nerves. Warner demonstrated his class with the bat and his utter lack of class in the press conference. As did Michael Clarke whose preening arrogance surely needs no further comment (something I fear I will not be able to hold myself to over the remains of the Aussie summer).

And so, one nil down with very little to cheer about indeed... but this is a very battle hardened team and we aren't even a quarter of the way through the series yet! 

Keep the faith! And remember 

"The feeling is ******* mutual." 

Douglas Jardine, who was nicknamed Sardine by the Australian crowds on the 1928-29 Ashes tour and barracked wherever he went, in response to a comment from Patsy Hendren that "the Australians don't really like you"

Day 4

A comprehensive win by Australia. But graceless Warner and classless Clarke drag baggy green back into the gutter.

More to follow

Day 3

Nothing to write home about

Day 2

The only good thing about the day was the view!

1st day - close of play

Australia 273-8

A guide to Australian Whine - part 3

En route to the airport I had an enlivening conversation with an irate cabby who was still going on about Stuart Broad not walking. I was delighted to discover that that incident was the sole reason England scraped a 3-0 win in the last Ashes series.

I got on my plane to Brisbane and recounted the same story to the chap next to me and he agreed with the cabby. He then proceeded to whinge all the way from take-off to landing.

Upon landing, I decided not to mention it to the next cabby. I didn't need to, because he bloody did!

So, my trip to Brisvegas has consisted of three hours of whining about English cheating. And this from the country that gave us Greg Chappell!

Do me a favour!!!

Here we come - 1st Test transmission

Target? No Tar-jey!

Latest news from the Aussie Camp is that Michael 'Gok' Clarke is urging the players to stop targeting England players but to actual Tar-jey them in homage to his fashion hero Gok Wan.


It has yet to be seen whether his team mates will actually carry out these instructions but given their track record it is unlikely they'll pay a blind bit of notice!

Wishing you were here

With only 3 days to go it is time to remember those who won't be with us for this series. In particular, Tony Greig & CMJ!

The series will be the poorer for their absence!

Botham v Chappell (Part 5)

The mutual loathing between Sir Ian Botham and whiney old Ian Chappell shows no sign of abating. At  a couple of 'Sportsmen's Lunches' in Sydney over the last 3 days, they both eschewed the chance to place their feud on hold. In particular Ian Chappell did not waste the opportunity to insult our hero once again.

Albeit from the predictable safety of Beefy not being in the same room!

Farewell to the Little Master

Thank you Sachin!

Thanks for the game

England eased to a morale boosting win against the Australian Invitational XI at the SCG, with no major injury worries (apart from Matt Prior) in advance of the first test in Brisbane on Thursday.

But to be honest, who really cares. The phoney war is coming to an end.

Let battle commence!

World Test Rankings

Team	Matches	Points	Rating
South Africa	27	3531	131
India	33	3920	119
England	38	4407	116
Pakistan	25	2538	102
Australia	33	3318	101
West Indies	25	2366	95
Sri Lanka	26	2295	88
New Zealand	30	2243	75
Zimbabwe	11	372	34
Bangladesh	16	285	18

Any more good ideas Warney?

As the rain continues to protect the poor Australia 'A' bowlers from a further pummelling in Hobart. The press corps (and England management) are waiting for more gems from Shane Warne.

After criticising Alastair Cook's captaincy (which Cook agreed with) and promoting Carberry's selection at the top of the order (which has worked very well so far thanks). Everyone is waiting to see what our secret weapon has got for us next?

Nice one Shane!

Isn't this where we left off?

England openers Alastair Cook and Michael Carberry shone with unbeaten centuries as England made 318 without loss on the first day of their four-day Ashes warm-up game against Australia A in Hobart.

After Captain Cook won the toss, the two left-handers batted through the entire day. Carberry put himself firmly in Test contention with 153 not out, hitting 22 fours and lofting spinner Jon Holland for two straight sixes. Meanwhile, Cook played himself into form with a serene 154. It was like watching a rerun of Cook in the 2011 series.

It was a dream Test audition for 33-year-old Carberry, who, since winning his only Test cap in March 2010, has battled serious illness. With an Ashes place up for grabs, and the first Test in Brisbane a fortnight away, he offered just the one chance - when he had already scored 135.

After making 78 in Perth. Carberry's inclusion meant Joe Root moved down to number five, with Ian Bell rested - pointing towards a possible choice for the Test XI between Carberry and Yorkshire's Gary Ballance, who was handed another chance in the problem position of number six, despite a first-ball failure in Perth.

Yorkshireman Jonny Bairstow now looks out of contention for the number six role after failing to feature in either warm-up game, while Chris Tremlett's inclusion in a four-man attack, alongside Test certainties James Anderson, Stuart Broad and Graeme Swann, indicated he may be favourite for the third seamer's role ahead of Steven Finn and Boyd Rankin.

Carberry was outscored by his captain early on as the two left-handers saw off the new ball, but came out of his shell after the opening stand had passed 50, hoisting uncapped slow left-armer Holland over mid-off for a couple of fours.

Australia A skipper Moses Henriques found little assistance for his five-man attack while Holland, nominally the front-line spinner, was outbowled by part-timer Glenn Maxwell, who extracted more turn and bowled with greater economy.

Cook, characteristically strong off his legs, brought up his fifty before lunch with successive fours off Maxwell's off-spin, and had made 80 by the time Carberry had only 44 to his name. Carberry survived a loud lbw appeal from Ben Cutting on 83, with replays showed the ball pitching a fraction outside leg stump, but Holland's return to the attack gave him the chance to draw level with Cook on 94 just before tea with an attractive cover-driven four and a lofted six. But while Carberry took until halfway through the day to reach his half century, he did so in style with a flashing drive for four, moved up through the gears with some powerful pull shots and used his feet well against the spinners.

While Cook marked his century in the first over after the interval with an undemonstrative wave of his bat, his partner could be forgiven for a more emotional reaction to reaching the same landmark, three years after a career (and possibly life) threatening illness.

And when his former Hampshire team-mate Maxwell served up an inviting half-volley on leg stump, Carberry helped it through long leg for four to complete his first hundred in England colours, removing his swanky Adidas helmet to acknowledge his team-mates who rose to salute the centurion.

By the 77th over, such was the fielding side's desperation they turned to the off-spin of Usman Khawaja, who boasts one first-class wicket in nearly six years.

The Aussies had waited all day for a chance - and it finally came at 288-0 just after the second new ball was taken when Cutting found the edge as Carberry attempted another flashing drive, but Trent Copeland grassed a straightforward chance at gully, as if to sum up Australia's day.

So, all in all a wonderful first day for England!

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Hot Spot & Snicko still in with a shout!

According to the BBC Hot Spot could yet be part of the decision review system in the Ashes series in Australia, despite the host broadcaster Channel Nine's refusal to pay for the technology. The same Channel Nine that rushed to report alleged use of Silicon by England players on the edges of their bats to avoid detection by Hot Spot - Without a shred of concrete evidence!

The heat-sensor tool proved controversial during England's summer Ashes win, but negotiations are under way for it to be utilised this winter. England back its use, and Snicko, another umpiring aid, may also feature."All we want as players is absolute clarity," said England's Ian Bell.

Hot Spot forms part of the system, using heat sensors and infrared cameras to determine what, if anything, the ball has made contact with.DRS was introduced in 2009, after an earlier trial, to help on-field umpires decide if a batsman should be given out.

Hot Spot inventor, Warren Brennan, had said the technology would be scrapped for the winter series amid concerns over its cost and reliability.The system came under scrutiny during England's 3-0 victory at home when several faint edges appeared to go undetected, with Brennan claiming protective tape on players' bats was diminishing its effectiveness.

Former England captain (and worryingly hyperbolic) Michael Vaughan said at the time Hot Spot "had to go", adding Brennan had "admitted his system will not work".

Snicko, meanwhile, uses sound from stump microphones to help detect if a batsman has edged the ball. "I've always been a fan of DRS," said England wicketkeeper Matt Prior. "If you are going to take the time out of the game, you have to get the right decision. So if we have more technology, better technology, fine. Use it all but as long as it's correct and accurate, that's the only thing. 

"If the powers that be deem that Hot Spot is working again then fantastic, let's use it."
England drew their first warm up match against the Western Australia Chairman's XI in Perth and now travel to Hobart to face Australia A in a four-day game starting on 6 November.

The 1st Test v Australia in Brisbane begins on 21 November.

The Ashes 2013/14 - Just warming up

Like the first cuckoo of an English spring, the first chortle at England’s opening day of ‘warm-up’ cricket is music to my ears. No doubt the harbingers of an Aussie revival are already convinced that the 3-Lion guarded façade is crumbling before their very eyes and thus Aussie supporters can look forward to an unrelenting summer of cricketing success.

Whilst the travails of young Rankin on the first day will not have boosted his confidence too much I am quite minded to say not so fast old chaps! A trip to the other side of the world to play the summer game is nothing to be taken for granted. The Ashes is quite simply the most important sporting fixture there is. It is the past, present and future of our beloved game and as such must not be rushed. So, I’m pretty sure it is too early for vivid conclusions, wild boasts or even worse than that ‘setting the tone’ or ‘putting a marker down’.

The Ashes is a marathon not a sprint and as such the England team like their supporters (of which of course I am proudly one) are working up to the first test. Whilst the England team have thrown the gauntlet down to the third quick to assert their claim for selection and thus rested the likes of Cook, Pietersen, Swann, Broad and Monty (the first four of which are certainties for the Gabba), the advanced guard of the Barmy Army (more of a Barmy Platoon) have also taken stock of the situation and are keeping their powder dry. No point in unleashing the full array of new tunes we’ve got in store for poor old Mitchell – Just yet! Of course the much sought after Barmy Army songbook has already got a few new crackers, including one which is the musical equivalent of the ‘doosra’.

However it is in the warm up games that the Barmy Army really fine hone their art. I was fortunate enough to be present at the creation of the now ubiquitous “He bowls to the left, he bowls to the right” classic. After a pleasant enough morning at the beautiful old Adelaide ground, we retired to a local hostelry to work on fine-tuning the ‘setlist’. A few of the older combatants were convinced a new chartbuster was required.

Over the course of the afternoon session a number of paper tablecloths were covered with various lyrics. The old classic ‘Sloop John B’ had been chosen as the relatively memorable ‘melody’ (it is essential to have a vague recollection of the tune late on the third day after a strenuous lunchtime session).  After a couple of rather self-deprecating choruses about Andrew Strauss one of the assembled decided that we needed to go on the attack. But who should we target? Sadly the BFW (Big Fat Warne) had retired and Ponting was already a basket case by that time.

In fact great pains were taken not to rile Punter, we left that to the Aussie press instead. And so it came to pass that poor old Mitchell was plucked out and catapulted to ignominy. Of course it would be hard to take all the credit for the 3-1 win last time on these shores but I can’t help think that, that afternoon in The Cathedral Hotel in Adelaide set us up for victory. And so, if you are in Hobart next week and want to contribute to a possible fourth consecutive victory, then keep your eye out for the collected musicians and songwriters of the Barmy Army (especially if they slip away for an afternoon of contemplation). In the meantime we’ll let our boys fine-tune their game and as sure as an Englishman can ever be we’ll be ready for when the phoney war is over! Just you wait & see!

Jardine