In the Crowd, I don’t see a thing…

In the build up to the 4^th Test, there has been an interesting number of discussions about the make-up of both teams and by the time this feature slides onto screens both should have been announced. England very kindly matched my selection but a strong rumour has it that Mitch Marsh has managed to retain the all-rounder slot ahead of Cameron Green. Come what may, the two elevens are only one part of the fixture. 

 

The umpires of course will have their input, albeit in this day & age their influence is only felt after their competence has been questioned up to a maximum of 3 times each by both teams per innings. Our CCTV world has relegated the Umpires from arch decision makers to glorified ball-counting hat & coat stands, with their future involvement to be diminished further by AI in the coming years (welcome to the club)!

 

However, the fascinating difference could well be what happens in the stands, boxes and concourses of Old Trafford. The sanctimonious hysteria in the Australian Press, especially after the Lord’s episode has been quite something to behold. Patently none of them have ever seen or heard SCG members imparting their advice for overseas teams/supporters or sharing/showering their ghastly VB over incoming fielders. No surprise really given that the SMHacks are so far removed from ordinary fans these days. 

 

Cricket crowds have undoubtedly changed and in particular Ashes crowds have risen to the apex of passion and ribaldry. The emergence of the travelling Barmy Army (way back in the last century) has given birth to a couple of copycat Aussie outfits, most notably the Fanatics and the Richie’s (who don’t seem to travel). The obligatory fancy dress has gone from quirky to zany and back and the admirable colour days (Pink Test, Red Test, Blue Test to name but three) are positively embraced by both sets of supporters. 

 

In the early days of a more terrace-oriented participation the English support ruled the roost with a dazzling array of football adapted tunes and lyrics (well they still do, to be brutally honest), whereas the poor old Aussies only had (have?) two songs and they were pretty atrocious, namely; “Aussie, Aussie, Aussie Oi! Oi! Oi!” and the equally banal, “Come on Aussie, Come on, Come on. Come on Aussie, come on”. 

 

The Barmy Army (both home and more crucially away) would openly laugh in the faces of the bemused Aussie fans and then respond with any number of reposts; “You’ve only got two songs”, “You only sing when you’re winning/drinking/batting/bowling” etc etc. To be fair they have added a rather lukewarm version of “Advance, Australia Fair” to their songbook and a lacklustre rendition of “Waltzing Matilda” occasionally sees the light of day but seriously… From the land of Nick Cave, Dave Graney, Robert Foster and Grant McLennan, you would expect better, much better. But they should be so lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky! 

 

One of my favourite ever cricket fan experiences was in Adelaide at the beginning of the 2010-11 Tour. England were taking things a bit seriously and had arranged a couple of proper tour games, one of which was against a better than normal South Australian XI. I made my way down to the City of Churches (Aussie code for nothing happens in Adelaide) and headed to the ground. Play meandered on under an unrelenting sun and the arrival of lunch meant three things for travelling supporters. Find a pub, get some beer and write some new songs for the upcoming series. 

 

An early suggestion was to co-opt the melody of the old Bahamian folk tune ‘Sloop John B.’ made famous by The Beach Boys and someone suggested singing something involving Andrew Strauss along the lines of “We wanna go home, give up Straussy, we wanna go home”. The tune was ok, but the rather negative message was poorly received, more drinks were ordered, thinking caps donned and a more aggressive approach was required. A pen was requisitioned and I remember writing the following words on the paper table cloth with 5 or 6 members of the Barmy Army in attendance… “He bowls to the left, He bowls to the right, that Mitchell Johnson…” There was a pause around the table.

 

When the final version was written down, we all looked at each other. Cricket songs, unlike football or indeed rugby songs rarely had profanities in them. We looked and sang again, ‘Shite’ isn’t too bad, is it? Certainly, better with the addition of the northern e at the end to make it sound a little more Liam Gallagher-y. No sooner had we all stopped laughing uncontrollably at our creation, the beer drenched, ink-stained paper tablecloth was folded up and whisked away to be sent to Barmy Army High Command for ratification, publication and circulation. (Surely, they’d edit out the swear word). 

 

A few weeks later at the SCG, I had the joy of hearing those words echo round Moore Park as poor old Mitch came down the steps, walked to the middle, took guard, faced a delivery, tucked his bat back under his arm and trudged back from the middle and stomped back up the steps to the soundtrack of 10,000 recruits to the Barmy Army bellowing out ‘our’ song, replete with the additional E. At that moment we all knew just how big a part we had played in securing the Ashes. That song had been the soundtrack to the summer. 

 

Modern players say that they can shut out the noise, they are in a bubble, they can’t hear a thing but I know different. We got inside Mitchell Johnson that day and yes, we paid for it 4 years later when he took his well-earned revenge but in that Aussie season we knew the power of being a unified crowd. 

 

So, whilst on paper and man-for-man this Australian team (World Champions) should clobber this mixture of Joe Root, aging medium pacers, technically challenged and/or inexperienced batters and walking wounded that comprise the current England team (Reigning Olympic Champions!!). If the Old Trafford crowd can fire up early, we have a chance… Because

 

When I'm in the crowd, I don't see anything

My mind goes a blank, in the humid sunshine

When I'm in the crowd I don't see anything…

 

In the crowd – The Jam

Written by: PAUL JOHN WELLER

Lyrics © BMG Rights Management, Universal Music Publishing Group

Jack Nash

19/7/23

 

Manchester Dreaming

The Ashes 2023 press pack are quite a dreary bunch and I should know because I’m one of them. They invariably hunt & write as a pack. From the first time I sat in the press box at Lords for a long-forgotten B&H final I have always marvelled at the way a group of individually very articulate journos manage to fine tune their language in a way that makes them virtually interchangeable. The collective viewpoint invariably holds sway. 

There are notable exceptions, Mike Atherton & Gideon Haigh (who was a key contributor to JM96* back in the day) are two of the more individual thinkers, whose insights and perspective are to be carefully followed and cogitated on. The majority of the others fall into two packs, the bitter Englishmen and the one-eyed Aussies, both of whom thrash away in their own safe space before gently slipstreaming into a mutually agreed position. 

 

Current thinking is that England have backed themselves into a corner and go into the Old Trafford test without a Test level no. 3, having selected Moeen Ali to clog up that space on the scorecard and by picking Jimmy Anderson to replace the back spasm prone Olly Robinson. Thus, leaving England with one of the oldest bowling opening pairs in cricket history (again)!

 

In fact, the numbers might well suggest that Mo is a weak link given his 13.14 average batting at first drop, he has barely played any red ball cricket and even at the height of his test career he always looked better lower down the order. A left-hander with some glorious strokes in his portfolio but a man prone to succumb sooner rather than later to temptation. 

 

As for England’s most successful Test bowler of all time, it’s true that Jimmy has also battled to impose himself on the Aussies so far in this series. However, I could prattle on about the pitches at Edgbaston & Lords, but I’ll spare you the effort. If you want that head over to CricketGroupThink.com (C/O; Fleet St, SMHacks). Quite honestly though… who cares?

 

The truth of the matter is cricket is the ultimate dream sport. No other game embraces the past, the history, tradition and collective memory as much as cricket, whilst at the same time it relentlessly tweaks the present with an unblinking (if not always focussed) eye on the future. Cricket spectators, writers, administrators and players are all helpless dreamers.

 

Our Dreams (or nightmares) about that missed catch, that rash shot, that glorious innings, that club cricket tour that only lasted one over (with the rest of the time spent in the hotel bar watching Botham comeback from a drugs bar), that frightening spell by the demon quick, that plan to make cricket an Olympic Sport (again – NB. The Great Britain XI are the reigning Olympic Champions – that’s 123 years unbeaten!!) etcetera, are the essence of cricket!

 

A game without dreams can hollow out our soul, just ask anyone who had to tolerate a team lead by Don Revie, or another turgid one-nil to the Arsenal performance, or the 70’s/80’s win at all costs All Blacks, or the grinding cynicism of Argentina 1990, or Australia at Newlands 2018. Dream killers one and all. 

 

How does that relate to the 4^th Test? Simple – The dream goes like this. 

 

On a murky Manchester morning…

 

Stokes flips the 50p he cadged off Baz in the dressing room before heading out, Cummins calls ‘Heads’, the coin lands tails on grass. Australia had considered batting but decide to insert (a twofold rationale, the weather and to blunt the English penchant for chasing down any score imaginable). 

 

The ball starts hooping around from the off. England are 3 down within an hour, 5 by lunchtime for a paltry sixty-something. The sun bursts over Old Trafford, like a Johnny Marr riff shimmering in the heavens. Moeen Ali (dropped off only his second delivery) has managed to cling on, more by dint of avoiding the strike than anything else. 

 

But now, with Mancunian voices filling the air with encouragement, he starts to compile the innings of his life, from nudge & nurdle, he starts to glide and caress and finally slap and crack the ball to all parts of the ground. His century comes up in the second over after tea, a slog sweep off the hapless Aussie part time spinner and former captain.

 

England are finally all out in the 5^th over of the 3^rd day’s play (rain having washed out all of day 2). The ball is given to Jimmy Anderson, he walks back to his mark at the James Anderson end, he stops briefly, he turns and sets off…

 

The dream is alive! 

 

Jack Nash

18/7/23

The 2023 Ashes - 4th Test Preview by Jack Nash

 And so…

 

The Ashes often flatters to deceive, especially when England are the touring party. By this stage in an Australian hosted series, with match 4 looming, the home team’s only concern would be how to recover from a raucous couple of days celebrating series victory and retention of the blessed urn. 

 

Fortunately, recent series’ in the UK have at least been a little more balanced and the 2023 version appears no different. All three games, as my fellow scribes have rightly attested, have been close run things and either side could have wrapped up the whole thing if a couple more catches had stuck, or tails hadn’t wagged. Anyway, we are where we are, with both sides yet to fully fire on all cylinders and yet the entertainment and tension are bobbing along at the top end of the Botham-Stokes Scale. 

 

A few days out from the fourth test at Old Trafford and the armchair selectors are in fine form. England are trying to work out how to make up for the loss of Pope (the Ali-Lawrence-Root conundrum in full effect). They are also working out how best to juggle their seam attack with Robinson seemingly to be rested after his back buckled under the strain of too many bouncers and rather average chat (Sledging! – JR Editor). The more dynamic approach would be to reinstate Josh Tongue and give the Aussies a “lickle bit of an ‘urry up” but the more pragmatic and romantic approach would be to bring back THE Jimmy Anderson to assert control and add his remarkable guile into the mix. 

 

I won’t dwell on Jimmy’s series so far. However, I genuinely look forward to him sticking it to both the Aussie team, their rather ordinary press pack (boy, have I got stories to tell…) and the smattering of English talking heads who need to renew their assorted punditry contracts and reckon the best way is to be more confrontational than is either seemly or wise. 

 

Over in the other dressing room the question mark that has hovered over the head of David Warner (like Frank Gorshin as The Riddler on a theatrical fly) has swamped pre-match conversation in the clubs and bars of Warner’s home stomping ground of Coogee. The fact that his car park slot now reads “D.Warner bowled Broad” demonstrates the extent to which everyone in cricket knows exactly what’s going to happen when Mr Sandpaper meets The Nighthawk (aka Malfoy). 

 

Does Cummins have the guts to drop the pugnacious Warner? Is he worried how the opener’s wife might take it? Does the Australian Coach (name?) have a say in the matter at all? That decision might well have an impact on whether Mitch Marsh holds his spot. Cameron Green reclaims his place or if both all-rounders get a run. 

 

History suggests Marsh will lose out (as does Geoff Marsh who shared his thoughts with a roving Jardine Reporter a couple of days ago). Warner will cling on to his place and Hazlewood will replace the club medium pacer Boland who seems to have been rumbled. 

 

Aussie concern over the involvement of spinner Todd Murphy in the third test should not lead to him being jettisoned from the match day team in Manchester but the Aussie Coach (whatshisname?) would not confirm he was definitely going to play. 

Anyway, we only have a couple of days to wait until all is revealed. England will announce their team nice and early, which is either a sign of confidence or bravado (or both). The Aussies normally leave it until nearer the start: Clever? Cagey? (or both).

 

Anyway, not to be outdone. Here are my selections:

 

England

 

1.     Crawley

2.     Duckett

3.     Ali

4.     Root

5.     Brook

6.     Stokes

7.     Bairstow

8.     Woakes

9.     Wood

10.  Broad

11.  Anderson

 

Australia

 

1.     Khawaja

2.     Warner

3.     Labuschagne

4.     Smith

5.     Head

6.     Green

7.     Carey

8.     Starc

9.     Cummins

10.  Murphy

11.  Hazelwood

 

 

Jack Nash

17/7/23

 

 

Ashes 2019 - Selection meeting

After much conferring the selection panel (Bunny, The Young Maltravers, Mrs Denby & I) have come to the conclusion that the following XII should be considered for the First Test against Australia at Edgbaston (subject to fitness).

• Joe Root (C)
• Jos Buttler (VC)
• Moeen Ali
• Jimmy Anderson
• Joffra Archer
• Jonny Bairstow
• Rory Burns
• Stuart Broad
• Zac Crawley
• Jason Roy
• Ben Stokes
• Chris Woakes

Third Test

Err… We lost!

Full post mortem to follow...

Mitchell Johnson - Go West!

Erratic Australian opening bowler and backing vocalist in the Village People Mitchell Johnson has dismissed the suggestion of a truce with England following a bad-tempered Ashes opener, according to the BBC.

Jonathan Trott was openly criticised in a press conference by David Warner (Warner's second cowardly attack of the year) before his stress-related exit from the Ashes. And Australia's Captain Michael Clarke was fined for an obscenity while warning James Anderson to expect a broken arm. 

"Their coach wants a truce from what I've heard. That's not going to change from our end," said Johnson. 

"I think it's worked for us. I definitely think they're rattled by it. They don't like it at all". 

Johnson then went on to promote his forthcoming role in "Go West" a musical about his rags to riches transition from local club cricketer to backing vocalist in notoriously macho 70's disco band Village People to wayward opening bowler for Western Australia and self-styled "terrifying" opening bowler for 5th ranked world test team Australia. From Village Green via Village People to the WACA!

Classless Clarke fined for 'broken arm' comment

Australia captain Michael Clarke has been fined 20% of his match fee for warning England's James Anderson to expect a broken arm reports the BBC.

Clarke was found guilty of breaching the International Cricket Council code of conduct for using language or a gesture that is obscene or insulting. Anderson was preparing to face fast bowler Mitchell Johnson.It was one of several flash points in a bad-tempered match that saw the hosts record a 381-run victory in Brisbane.

But Australia coach Darren Lehmann says his side will stay aggressive.
"I like our boys being aggressive as long as they don't cross the line," he said.
"I certainly like to play hard cricket. I've no problems with that at all.
"It's always going to be hard-fought between Australia and England. It certainly was in England; that's not changing here."

Clarke defended his sledging after the game, dismissing it as "banter". He said: "Through my career, there has always been banter on the cricket field and I cop as much as I give, that's for sure.

"All the England players know we certainly respect them. I've heard a lot worse said on a cricket field than what the Australia players or the England players said throughout this Test match."

In addition to Clarke's comments to Anderson, opener David Warner was criticised for being "disrespectful" by England captain Alastair Cook. Warner upset England with comments about batsman Jonathan Trott, whose dismissal in the second innings in Brisbane he described as "poor and weak".

"David Warner has the X-factor," said 43-year-old Lehmann. "He has an opinion. If he has crossed the line, the ICC [International Cricket Council] will deal with it."

The ICC has, however, taken a dim view of Clarke's comments, which were reported by umpire Kumar Dharmasena and third umpire Marais Erasmus after being picked up by a stump microphone.

In a statement the ICC said: "Clarke was found to have breached Article 2.1.4 of the ICC Code of Conduct which relates to 'using language or a gesture that is obscene, offensive or insulting during an International Match'.

Lehmann, who made 27 Test appearances between 1998 and 2004, says the hosts will also continue to attack with bat and ball.

First Test Review - Grace under pressure?

A very tough last three days at The Gabba for England has seen them comprehensively beaten by Australia in the first test. There are few positives, if any, to take out of their performance. Broad's bowling again showed a competitive mix of fire and intelligence. Carberry looked composed (and was very unlucky in the second innings) and Cook showed his traditional control and restraint in the second innings. 

However, the performances of Trott, Prior & Swanny all leave major question marks over how England can possibly hope to turn the series around. From the first ball Prior looked underpowered and far less engaged than normal in the field which was a real surprise and surely a knock on effect of his injury. His batting too looked very shaky. But he is an absolute battler and will surely improve throughout the series. Swanny's bowling at the SCG warm up v An Invitation XI looked flat and uninspired (no loop or drift) and this form continued into Brisbane. Trott's nervousness against the short ball was exposed in England and his technique has been found wanting. He's going to have to put in a massive stint in the nets to find a solution in time for Adelaide. 

Much has been made of the Aussie aggression and sledging. It is nothing new, just the same old schoolboy nonsense but from different players. Sure Johnson can bowl quick but for the first 5 overs he looked woeful and only a false shot by Trott steadied his palpably frail nerves. Warner demonstrated his class with the bat and his utter lack of class in the press conference. As did Michael Clarke whose preening arrogance surely needs no further comment (something I fear I will not be able to hold myself to over the remains of the Aussie summer).

And so, one nil down with very little to cheer about indeed... but this is a very battle hardened team and we aren't even a quarter of the way through the series yet! 

Keep the faith! And remember 

"The feeling is ******* mutual." 

Douglas Jardine, who was nicknamed Sardine by the Australian crowds on the 1928-29 Ashes tour and barracked wherever he went, in response to a comment from Patsy Hendren that "the Australians don't really like you"

Day 4

A comprehensive win by Australia. But graceless Warner and classless Clarke drag baggy green back into the gutter.

More to follow

Day 3

Nothing to write home about

Target? No Tar-jey!

Latest news from the Aussie Camp is that Michael 'Gok' Clarke is urging the players to stop targeting England players but to actual Tar-jey them in homage to his fashion hero Gok Wan.


It has yet to be seen whether his team mates will actually carry out these instructions but given their track record it is unlikely they'll pay a blind bit of notice!

Hot Spot & Snicko still in with a shout!

According to the BBC Hot Spot could yet be part of the decision review system in the Ashes series in Australia, despite the host broadcaster Channel Nine's refusal to pay for the technology. The same Channel Nine that rushed to report alleged use of Silicon by England players on the edges of their bats to avoid detection by Hot Spot - Without a shred of concrete evidence!

The heat-sensor tool proved controversial during England's summer Ashes win, but negotiations are under way for it to be utilised this winter. England back its use, and Snicko, another umpiring aid, may also feature."All we want as players is absolute clarity," said England's Ian Bell.

Hot Spot forms part of the system, using heat sensors and infrared cameras to determine what, if anything, the ball has made contact with.DRS was introduced in 2009, after an earlier trial, to help on-field umpires decide if a batsman should be given out.

Hot Spot inventor, Warren Brennan, had said the technology would be scrapped for the winter series amid concerns over its cost and reliability.The system came under scrutiny during England's 3-0 victory at home when several faint edges appeared to go undetected, with Brennan claiming protective tape on players' bats was diminishing its effectiveness.

Former England captain (and worryingly hyperbolic) Michael Vaughan said at the time Hot Spot "had to go", adding Brennan had "admitted his system will not work".

Snicko, meanwhile, uses sound from stump microphones to help detect if a batsman has edged the ball. "I've always been a fan of DRS," said England wicketkeeper Matt Prior. "If you are going to take the time out of the game, you have to get the right decision. So if we have more technology, better technology, fine. Use it all but as long as it's correct and accurate, that's the only thing. 

"If the powers that be deem that Hot Spot is working again then fantastic, let's use it."
England drew their first warm up match against the Western Australia Chairman's XI in Perth and now travel to Hobart to face Australia A in a four-day game starting on 6 November.

The 1st Test v Australia in Brisbane begins on 21 November.

Farewell Punter

You may have been an easy target for the Jardine Report over the last few years, you may have spent too much time spitting on your hands, chewing your gum, complaining to umpires and losing Test series to England.

But now you have decided to retire from Test cricket we rise as one to salute you. No harsh one-liners or snide little digs, simply - Respect!

Well played Mr Ponting!

Jardine Verdict: Well as we asked after Straussy went, who next? Sachin?

Fancy a game of cricket?

Anyone who would like a game next Monday in Sydney has been asked to give Andrew Hilditch a call at Cricket Australia HQ before 4:00pm today to confirm their availability.

NB: Applicants must have their own whites. However, Cricket Australia can supply pads, gloves etc. Also one second-hand Kookaburra bat (not used) is available to share.

Poll Results - Should Ponting Go?

Yes - 38%
No - 62%

An interesting outcome, although we can't help but think that more Englishmen voted for Punter's retention than Aussies. You naughty scamps!

The Jardine Report: Ponting has been a fine player for Australia over the years but he has been found wanting THREE TIMES now when it comes to the hardest test of them all. He won't be around to lead Australia in England in 2013, so he should go now!

Fourth Test - Day Four

The Mighty Mighty England have retained the Ashes for the first time in 24 years - and with a match to spare - after easing to a comprehensive win in the fourth Test.

Australia, resuming 246 runs behind on 169-6 and with Ryan Harris unable to bat, were eventually dismissed for 258 before lunch on day four in Melbourne.
Chris Tremlett, Graeme Swann and Tim Bresnan each took a wicket as England won by a magnificent innings and 157 runs. The tourists are now 2-1 up with only the Sydney Test remaining. If they avoid defeat there, England will win their first series down under since 1986/87.

"We've got to keep our feet on the ground because there are many goals that we want to achieve both in this series and into the future," said England captain Andrew Strauss. "But we're very excited right now. It's a special occasion the MCG game and to come out here and retain the Ashes is something that will live long in all our memories." Strauss was quick to heap praise on his team-mates.
"These guys deserve everything they get because the players stood up and performed when it matters," he said. "It's great for me but we all know a captain's nothing without the guys who stand up and deliver under pressure.
"I'm not going to take the credit for this because it's not my victory, it's the team's victory."

MacDonalds fast food promoter Shane Warne was quick to praise the English.
"Congrats to the England cricket team on retaining the ashes .. It has taken 24 years for England to do it in Aust.. Well done and Congrats."

England's win in Melbourne was their biggest against Australia since 1956 and one they fully deserved after dominating their opponents with both bat and ball from the start. Strauss's men showed immense character and skill to bounce back from a comprehensive defeat in Perth, although they were aided by a bitterly disappointing performance from Australia.

While rather obvious questions surrounding Ricky Ponting's future as Australia captain will intensify, his side could yet salvage a share of the spoils from a final Test that starts on 3 January. However, the current state of self-loathing and navel gazing would seem to suggest that it is unlikely.

With Australia staring down the barrel of a crushing home defeat by their fiercest rivals, the players were greeted by vast swathes of empty seats as they walked out at the 100,000-capacity stadium. Fortunatley, the Barmy Army were out in force to will England over the line - and they swiftly had cause for celebration.
Bresnan got proceedings under way with a brutal over of reverse swing that had Mitchell Johnson in all sorts of trouble. The formerly Tubby Tyke laid the foundations for an early strike, which duly arrived in the second over of the day when Trembo swung one back into left-hander Johnson and clattered his stumps via an inside edge. A swift end appeared possible but Peter Siddle and Brad Haddin combined to delay the inevitable.

Watchful at first, Haddin soon began to hit out and the New South Welshman moved towards a seventh Test half-century by dispatching Swann down the ground for six. A couple of edges narrowly eluded Colly at slip before Siddle got in on the act with a slog-sweep over wide long-on for a maximum. It was important for England to remain patient, and instead of taking the new ball Strauss opted to stick with the spin of Swann and swing of Bresnan. It was a move that swiftly paid dividends.

Siddle had grafted his way to a career-best score of 40 but there would be no maiden half-century after he hoiked Swann to KP running round from long-on. With just one wicket needed, it arrived in the very next over, Ben Hilfenhaus caught behind off Bresnan for an ignominious pair to spark scenes of jubilation among the England players and fans alike.

Mike Fat Gat Gatting, the last England captain to win the Ashes down under, said success was down to the fact that the tourists have been "very well led, very well coached, very well prepared". He added: "The great thing about winning in Australia, you have to play as a team."It's not just any one person who is going to win you the Ashes and make a huge difference. Everyone has to compete out there because you are battling against a team that is used to winning in its own back yard."

England batting coach and former captain Graham Goochy Gooch added: "Everyone there can be proud of their performance. But they won't be thinking that this is over yet. They will want to go to Sydney and finish Australia off and win the series. That was the aim at the beginning of the tour."

Defeat in Melbourne means Ponting, 36, is the first Australian skipper in 120 years to fail three times in the Ashes. "We've learnt a lot about how to play very good Test cricket from some of the cricket that the English team have played over the last few weeks," he said. "I'm disappointed with the way this series has gone for us so far, really disappointed at the way this week has turned out for us after having such a good week last week. But I think the really important thing we need to do is pay credit to England and the way they played for the whole tour."

England and Australia began the series by drawing the Brisbane Test. We then went 1-0 up crushing the hosts by an innings and 71 runs in Adelaide, only for Australia to hit back instantly in Perth, recording a surprise 267-run victory.

However, there was no denying England and the comprehensive victory was achieved 24 years and one day on from the last time an England team managed to retain the Urn in Australia.

The Jardine Report: Bloody marvellous

Fourth Test - Day Three

Getting closer...

England moved closer to retaining the Ashes for the first time in 24 years following another fine display at the Melbourne Test on day three. England added 69 to their overnight total as they were dismissed for 513, with the brilliant but decidedly prosaic Jonathan Trott unbeaten on 168.

Australia had been progressing steadily at 99-1 when burly Yorkshireman Tim Bresnan ripped through the middle order with three wickets for five runs in the final session. The hosts ended the day on 169-6, still 246 runs adrift of the tourists. That deficit is purely mathematical with only three lower-order wickets remaining - Rolf Harris is unlikely to bat after sustaining a stress fracture of his left ankle bowling in the morning session - and with England's bowlers rampant.

A superb, disciplined display from the quartet was characterised by sustained periods of pressure, starving Australia's beleaguered top order of run-scoring opportunities. At the forefront of the middle-order demolition was Bresnan's superb spell of 3-17 from seven eventful overs, dismissing Shane Watson, Ricky Ponting and Mike Hussey in quick succession.

Yorkshireman Bresnan was ably assisted by the frugal Chris Tremlett and the ever consistent James Anderson, who once again exemplified why he is the best swing bowler in the world. And Graeme Swann's canny ability to collect wickets at crucial stages left Australia staring down the barrel of yet another humiliating innings defeat on home soil. After almost two days of rest, England's bowlers were eventually called for action after lunch when the tourists were dismissed for their third 500+ total in this series.

The indefatigable Trott brought up his second Test score in excess of 150 as wickets tumbled around him, with the ever-persistent Peter Siddle rewarded for a spirited bowling display with figures of 6-75, his fourth five-wicket haul in Test cricket. Sussex’s Matt Prior fell 15 runs short of his fourth Test hundred when he unfortunately spooned a catch to Ponting at mid-on, while Bresnan became Siddle's fifth victim. But Australia's hopes of wrapping up the tail were hindered when Harris was forced off the field when he broke down in his 28th over, later confirmed as a stress fracture which will require surgery.

An entertaining knock of 22 from Swann was brought to an end when Brad Haddin took an excellent one-handed catch high above his head off Ben Hilfenhaus, only his second wicket in the series. And Tasmanian Hilfenhaus added a third minutes later when he cleaned up Tremlett's stumps before Siddle wrapped up the innings with his sixth wicket when a fast reverse-swinging delivery clean bowled Anderson.
With two-and-a-half days remaining in the match, Australia needed to bat at least six sessions if they were to stand any chance of keeping the series alive for the final Test in Sydney on 2 January. The onus was on Australia's openers to provide a solid platform for a robust riposte and, although Phillip Hughes began nervously with a series of streaky boundaries behind square, they managed to notch a confidence-boosting 50-run partnership.

However, Swann's second over in the afternoon session provided the breakthrough, although the dismissal owed more to Watson's poor judgement calling for a quick single than the off-spinner's guile. A superb throw from Trott in the covers caught Hughes out of his ground with Watson lamenting his hasty call from the non-striker's end. Bresnan and Anderson choked the flow of runs with a disciplined display of swing bowling, manipulating the 15-over old ball in both directions as Ponting and Watson were given few run-scoring opportunities to cash in on.

Tremlett maintained the stranglehold, using his huge 6ft 7in frame to generate awkward bounce and height, making batting an arduous affair for Australia's second-wicket pair. The Surrey seamer was unfortunate to see a thick Watson outside edge fall just short of Prior at 79-1 while a number of lbw appeals were repeatedly turned down by umpire Aleem Dar, with height providing the biggest doubt in the Pakistani official's mind.

Watson reached his 15th Test half century from 95 deliveries in the 30th over but once again the barrel-chested opener fell short of a three-figure score when he misjudged a reverse-swinging delivery, offering no stroke to a ball which moved back into his pads.Umpire Tony Hill upheld England's clamorous lbw appeal, although Watson's fate was delayed as the opener referred the decision to the third umpire Marais Erasmus, only for the South African to confirm the ball would have just clipped the top of the bails.

Ponting's painstaking innings of 20 from 73 deliveries was brought to a close soon after when a thick inside edge clattered into his stumps, much to the delight of the jubilant England fans. And the assiduous Mr Cricket, England's nemesis throughout the first three Test matches, was dismissed without scoring when Ian Bell took an excellent low catch at short cover to leave Australia reeling at 104-4.

With rookie 'Waylon' Smith, whose credentials as a Test number six have been rightly questioned by seasoned observers and home fans alike, and the out-of-form Michael Clarke FAC2011 at the crease, England sensed another dismissal was close.

Although the fifth-wicket partnership offered obdurate defence, it was the deception of Swann which earned it. Bowling around the wicket to Clarke, the off-spinner's delivery held its line outside the off stump and a thick outside edge flew into the hands of Andrew Strauss at second slip, further compounding Australia's vice-captain's miserable series. Smith swung his bat at every opportunity whenever he was offered a modicum of width, collecting six boundaries before he dragged a short ball from Anderson on to his stumps to leave Australia on 158-6.

With Mitchell Johnson at the crease alongside Brad Haddin, Australia face the impossible task of saving the Test - and series - on day four, which is certain to herald huge celebrations from England players and fans alike.

The Jardine Report: Only four wickets, 3 if Rolf's extra leg lets him down, to go...

Fourth Test - Day Two

Soon to be deposed Australian Captain in shock questioning of umpire's decision

Jonathan Trott scored his fifth Test hundred as England took total control of the fourth Ashes Test in Melbourne. Trott remained unbeaten on 141 as the tourists finished on 444-5, a lead of 346 as Australia endured another frustrating day in the field. After resuming on 157-0, England were restricted to 286-5 before Trott and Sussex's Matt Prior (75 not out) took control.

The day was marred by controversy when under fire soon to be ex-Captain of Australia Ricky Ponting remonstrated with the umpires following a review decision. The Whinging Australia captain was later fined a paltry 40% of his playing fee by match referee Ranjan Madugalle. The incident stemmed from Kevin Pietersen being correctly given not out by umpire Aleem Dar following a vociferous caught behind appeal off Ryan Harris. Urged on by chippy wicketkeeper Brad Haddin, Ponting asked for a referral - only for third umpire Marais Erasmus to uphold Dar's original decision when replays and Hotspot indicated the ball had not made contact with Pietersen's bat. But the ungracious Ponting refused to accept the decision, continuing his protestations to umpire Dar and his square leg colleague Tony Hill, much to the chagrin of most in the 67,149 crowd at the MCG.

The incident was the low point of another frustrating day for an Australia team desperate to make at least partial amends for their feeble display in being dismissed for 98 on day one.The day had though begun optimistically for the hosts as Peter Siddle, bowling with real pace and purpose, found the perfect line outside off stump to snare an edge off Alastair Cook to first slip in the day's fifth over. The Essex opener fell 18 runs short of what would have been his third hundred of the series and he was soon followed by captain Andrew Strauss.

The left-hander was surprised by a delivery which spit sharply off the surface from a length, gleaning a thick leading edge towards gully, where Mike Hussey took an excellent one-handed catch at full stretch to leave England at 170-2. Alongside Trott, new-man Pietersen initially played cautiously as Australia tested the third-wicket pair in a hostile spell of fast bowling, although Pietersen opened his shoulders when Steven Smith was introduced, hitting two boundaries from the leg-spinner's first over as England reached 226-2 at lunch. Pietersen in particular looked in excellent touch, unfurling a number of consummate straight drives down the ground as Australia counted down the overs until the new ball was available. But, soon after Ponting's referral histrionics, Pietersen perished after notching his 21st Test half century when he was adjudged lbw shuffling across his crease to Siddle, who collected his third wicket with his third delivery of the afternoon session with England at 262-3.

And momentum shifted a little further towards Australia when Mitchell Johnson utilised the short ball to effect as he snared Paul Collingwood and Ian Bell for single-figure scores with almost identical dismissals. Both batsmen fell for the bouncer sucker-punch, top-edging poorly controlled pulls to fine leg where Siddle took two good catches to leave England at 286-5.The dismissal heaped yet more pressure on the under-fire Collingwood, who fell for his 10th single-figure Test score in 12 innings, a statistic which England's selectors may find hard to ignore when picking the side for next week's Sydney Test.

Despite losing two partners in quick succession, Trott remained defiant although a full-length dive just about saved him from a run-out just before accumulating his sixth Test half century from 118 deliveries. However, the afternoon session was engulfed in yet more drama when Prior was recalled after edging Johnson to Brad Haddin on five, umpire Dar utilising a television replay to belatedly rule the bowler had overstepped the popping crease. While Prior constantly flirted with fortune, Trott remained indefatigable in defence, working the ball to leg with quiet efficiency off his middle stump while showing excellent judgement to leave anything potentially hazardous outside off.

He was momentarily floored when he required attention after an inside edge cannoned into his knee, but he eschewed the offer of a runner and brought up his third Ashes century in only five matches. The 29-year-old is only behind Indian duo Virender Sehwag and Sachin Tendulkar in list of the leading Test run scorers of 2010 and he was in no mood to give his wicket away as Australia's bowlers wilted in the late-evening sunshine as the sixth-wicket pair put on 158 runs.
After riding his luck early on in his innings, Prior moved to within 25 runs of his fourth Test century and first against Australia with a series of scything drives and lusty blows off leg-spinner Smith as England put themselves in the ideal position to retain the Ashes for the first time in 24 years.

The Jardine Report: Another great day for England and an awful day for the beleaguered soon to be redundant Aussie skipper

Some Stats...

AUSTRALIA'S TOTAL OF 98
Lowest against England at the MCG
Lowest first innings at the MCG
Lowest against England since 1968
Lowest score in Australia since 1984
Lowest at the MCG since 1981
Lowest against England at home since 1936

Fourth Test - Day One

I was there...

As were 84,000+ other spectators to witness what can only be described as the cricketing equivalent of a perfect storm. Australia kept faith with the battering ram attack that demolished England in Perth, whilst England swapped tiring young wicket taking tyro Finn with no nonsense Tyke Bresnan. The toss was always going to be crucial and Strauss called correctly and inserted the Aussies. Under a slate grey Victorian sky England put themselves in a remarkably dominant position after day one of the fourth Ashes Test having bowled out Australia for just 98 in Melbourne.

Chris ‘Trembo’ Tremlett and James ‘Jimmy Jimmy’ Anderson swung the ball beautifully to take four wickets each after captain Andrew Strauss had won an important toss. Australia showed poor technique to contribute to their demise. And they were made to pay when Strauss and Alastair Cook pushed England along to a very healthy 157-0 in reply. Having lost by 267 runs on a much faster wicket in Perth to relinquish their 1-0 series lead, England's flawless performance on Boxing Day with bat and ball defied logic.

They have already put Australia, who recorded their lowest all-out total in an Ashes Test at the MCG, in a situation where defeat is a probability. In Australia's main excuse was the fact that cool, cloudy conditions up until tea had turned the early exchanges into something more akin to a May Test match in England, with bowlers able to extract swing and seam movement. But the reality is they were outplayed. With perfect timing for the tourists, the clouds melted away as Strauss - who ended the day on 64 - and Cook (80) strode to the crease. And barring one or two early deliveries from Ben Hilfenhaus the ball did not swing for the Australians.

Australia entered this critical match with only three batsmen in any sort of form. Mike ‘Mr Cricket’ Hussey had made an extraordinary 517 in the first three Tests, while Shane Watson and Brad Haddin had also produced some key performances.
This time, however, with England's three seamers locating a searching length from the off - and finding swing consistently, those three all failed. Michael Clarke FAC2011 and soon to be ex-Australian captain Ricky Ponting were due runs, but managed only 20 and 10 respectively, while Phillip Bradman and Steve ‘Gumby’ Smith do not appear to possess the necessary techniques for swing-friendly conditions.

Such was the one-sidedness of the early exchanges, that England could afford to drop Watson twice before he had scored - Paul Collingwood at third slip and KP in the gully were the culprits. Anderson was the unlucky bowler on those two occasions, but it was Tremlett who supplied the first wicket, Watson getting a nasty one that bounced up to an uncomfortable height - and gloving to Pietersen. Despite his double let-off, Watson had made only five. There was another catch for Pietersen in the gully when Hughes, craving anything wide outside off, flashed at one that he should have left to give Bresnan a wicket with his seventh ball in an Ashes contest.

The Yorkshireman had been a debatable selection ahead of Steven Finn, the leading wicket-taker in the series. But he showed some fine control at one end as Tremlett and Anderson probed away at the other.

Ricky Ponting suggested a possible return to form when hitting two fine pull shots for four, but Tremlett got one to fizz away from him off the seam and the Australian captain's edge was well held by Graeme Swann at second slip. England were in prime position at 37-3, but they still needed to send Mr Cricket back to the pavilion. They got their wish when Anderson snaked one away from Mr Knickit off a full length just two balls before a 90-minute rain break which incorporated lunch. Prior's catch was riotously celebrated, and Anderson remained in hot form during the afternoon; uncertain pushes outside off-stump caused the demise of both Steve Smith and Clarke -the Anderson-Prior combination doing the business each time.

A score of 77-6 became 77-8 when Haddin wafted Bresnan to slip, before Prior accepted another catch from Anderson's bowling to send the occasionally dangerous Mitchell Johnson on his way for a duck. Tremlett returned to wrap up the tail and Australia were all out in 42.5 overs - their lowest score against England since 1968.
Every dismissal had been as a result of a catch behind the wicket, Prior becoming the seventh England gloveman to take at least six in a Test innings. England's efficiency in the field meant they could turn their attentions to batting during the tea interval. Their progress was serene in the extreme as Strauss and Cook did what Australia's batsmen had failed to do - leave the ball well alone when necessary, or play it tightly in defence with bat and pad close together. Cook was given out lbw on 27 but called for a review which quickly revealed an inside edge.

There were some nice shots as well, such as Strauss's on-drive off Peter Siddle to bring up the fifty partnership and two straight drives for four by Cook off Hilfenhaus. Even as news filtered through that 84,345 spectators had watched the early exchanges of the afternoon session, huge swathes of them were already leaving the ground - though a delighted Barmy Army contingent remained in situ.

Strauss took England into the lead with a sublime on-drive off Watson, but Cook was playing with even more fluency than his senior partner and was just 20 short of a third century in the series when stumps were drawn.

I, like the remaining 20,000 English spectators could not believe what we had seen. Unfortunately the Aussies in the crowd and had all got "prior commitments" or "Family over for Boxing Day Supper", so sadly they missed the end of a truly remarkable day in the history of Ashes Tests.

The Jardine Report: Un-bloody-believable!