The Jardine Report 2025

 And so, as one door closes another one opens up again...

The Jardine Report has (until recently) been more active on Twitter than here over the last couple of years. However, with The Ashes a mere 8 months away, it feels like the right time to come back home and start spreading the news more eloquently. There are only so many times that Jardine can flip-flop on the benefits of Bazball. In case you missed it our summary analysis was this:

It's brilliant. It's useless. It's brilliant. It's useless. It's brilliant. It's useless. It's brilliant. It's useless. etc.
And whilst convenient in 280 characters, it does make for dull reading. So, no more Twitter for us, although our writers will feature on BlueSky. 

We are also looking at starting a You Tube Channel closer to the Ashes but hey, let's not get carried away.

Between now and then, what can you expect to see on these pages? Well, first up, we aim to be far more regular with posts. The first set of subjects will include...

• Champions Trophy Debrief

• Sheffield Shield analysis

• What does Jardine really think of 'The Hundred'?

• Life without Jimmy

• White ball regime change

• Subbuteo Cricket

Much to get excited about, little to ignore.

Jardine

Sydney, March 2025

In the Crowd, I don’t see a thing…

In the build up to the 4^th Test, there has been an interesting number of discussions about the make-up of both teams and by the time this feature slides onto screens both should have been announced. England very kindly matched my selection but a strong rumour has it that Mitch Marsh has managed to retain the all-rounder slot ahead of Cameron Green. Come what may, the two elevens are only one part of the fixture. 

 

The umpires of course will have their input, albeit in this day & age their influence is only felt after their competence has been questioned up to a maximum of 3 times each by both teams per innings. Our CCTV world has relegated the Umpires from arch decision makers to glorified ball-counting hat & coat stands, with their future involvement to be diminished further by AI in the coming years (welcome to the club)!

 

However, the fascinating difference could well be what happens in the stands, boxes and concourses of Old Trafford. The sanctimonious hysteria in the Australian Press, especially after the Lord’s episode has been quite something to behold. Patently none of them have ever seen or heard SCG members imparting their advice for overseas teams/supporters or sharing/showering their ghastly VB over incoming fielders. No surprise really given that the SMHacks are so far removed from ordinary fans these days. 

 

Cricket crowds have undoubtedly changed and in particular Ashes crowds have risen to the apex of passion and ribaldry. The emergence of the travelling Barmy Army (way back in the last century) has given birth to a couple of copycat Aussie outfits, most notably the Fanatics and the Richie’s (who don’t seem to travel). The obligatory fancy dress has gone from quirky to zany and back and the admirable colour days (Pink Test, Red Test, Blue Test to name but three) are positively embraced by both sets of supporters. 

 

In the early days of a more terrace-oriented participation the English support ruled the roost with a dazzling array of football adapted tunes and lyrics (well they still do, to be brutally honest), whereas the poor old Aussies only had (have?) two songs and they were pretty atrocious, namely; “Aussie, Aussie, Aussie Oi! Oi! Oi!” and the equally banal, “Come on Aussie, Come on, Come on. Come on Aussie, come on”. 

 

The Barmy Army (both home and more crucially away) would openly laugh in the faces of the bemused Aussie fans and then respond with any number of reposts; “You’ve only got two songs”, “You only sing when you’re winning/drinking/batting/bowling” etc etc. To be fair they have added a rather lukewarm version of “Advance, Australia Fair” to their songbook and a lacklustre rendition of “Waltzing Matilda” occasionally sees the light of day but seriously… From the land of Nick Cave, Dave Graney, Robert Foster and Grant McLennan, you would expect better, much better. But they should be so lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky! 

 

One of my favourite ever cricket fan experiences was in Adelaide at the beginning of the 2010-11 Tour. England were taking things a bit seriously and had arranged a couple of proper tour games, one of which was against a better than normal South Australian XI. I made my way down to the City of Churches (Aussie code for nothing happens in Adelaide) and headed to the ground. Play meandered on under an unrelenting sun and the arrival of lunch meant three things for travelling supporters. Find a pub, get some beer and write some new songs for the upcoming series. 

 

An early suggestion was to co-opt the melody of the old Bahamian folk tune ‘Sloop John B.’ made famous by The Beach Boys and someone suggested singing something involving Andrew Strauss along the lines of “We wanna go home, give up Straussy, we wanna go home”. The tune was ok, but the rather negative message was poorly received, more drinks were ordered, thinking caps donned and a more aggressive approach was required. A pen was requisitioned and I remember writing the following words on the paper table cloth with 5 or 6 members of the Barmy Army in attendance… “He bowls to the left, He bowls to the right, that Mitchell Johnson…” There was a pause around the table.

 

When the final version was written down, we all looked at each other. Cricket songs, unlike football or indeed rugby songs rarely had profanities in them. We looked and sang again, ‘Shite’ isn’t too bad, is it? Certainly, better with the addition of the northern e at the end to make it sound a little more Liam Gallagher-y. No sooner had we all stopped laughing uncontrollably at our creation, the beer drenched, ink-stained paper tablecloth was folded up and whisked away to be sent to Barmy Army High Command for ratification, publication and circulation. (Surely, they’d edit out the swear word). 

 

A few weeks later at the SCG, I had the joy of hearing those words echo round Moore Park as poor old Mitch came down the steps, walked to the middle, took guard, faced a delivery, tucked his bat back under his arm and trudged back from the middle and stomped back up the steps to the soundtrack of 10,000 recruits to the Barmy Army bellowing out ‘our’ song, replete with the additional E. At that moment we all knew just how big a part we had played in securing the Ashes. That song had been the soundtrack to the summer. 

 

Modern players say that they can shut out the noise, they are in a bubble, they can’t hear a thing but I know different. We got inside Mitchell Johnson that day and yes, we paid for it 4 years later when he took his well-earned revenge but in that Aussie season we knew the power of being a unified crowd. 

 

So, whilst on paper and man-for-man this Australian team (World Champions) should clobber this mixture of Joe Root, aging medium pacers, technically challenged and/or inexperienced batters and walking wounded that comprise the current England team (Reigning Olympic Champions!!). If the Old Trafford crowd can fire up early, we have a chance… Because

 

When I'm in the crowd, I don't see anything

My mind goes a blank, in the humid sunshine

When I'm in the crowd I don't see anything…

 

In the crowd – The Jam

Written by: PAUL JOHN WELLER

Lyrics © BMG Rights Management, Universal Music Publishing Group

Jack Nash

19/7/23

 

Manchester Dreaming

The Ashes 2023 press pack are quite a dreary bunch and I should know because I’m one of them. They invariably hunt & write as a pack. From the first time I sat in the press box at Lords for a long-forgotten B&H final I have always marvelled at the way a group of individually very articulate journos manage to fine tune their language in a way that makes them virtually interchangeable. The collective viewpoint invariably holds sway. 

There are notable exceptions, Mike Atherton & Gideon Haigh (who was a key contributor to JM96* back in the day) are two of the more individual thinkers, whose insights and perspective are to be carefully followed and cogitated on. The majority of the others fall into two packs, the bitter Englishmen and the one-eyed Aussies, both of whom thrash away in their own safe space before gently slipstreaming into a mutually agreed position. 

 

Current thinking is that England have backed themselves into a corner and go into the Old Trafford test without a Test level no. 3, having selected Moeen Ali to clog up that space on the scorecard and by picking Jimmy Anderson to replace the back spasm prone Olly Robinson. Thus, leaving England with one of the oldest bowling opening pairs in cricket history (again)!

 

In fact, the numbers might well suggest that Mo is a weak link given his 13.14 average batting at first drop, he has barely played any red ball cricket and even at the height of his test career he always looked better lower down the order. A left-hander with some glorious strokes in his portfolio but a man prone to succumb sooner rather than later to temptation. 

 

As for England’s most successful Test bowler of all time, it’s true that Jimmy has also battled to impose himself on the Aussies so far in this series. However, I could prattle on about the pitches at Edgbaston & Lords, but I’ll spare you the effort. If you want that head over to CricketGroupThink.com (C/O; Fleet St, SMHacks). Quite honestly though… who cares?

 

The truth of the matter is cricket is the ultimate dream sport. No other game embraces the past, the history, tradition and collective memory as much as cricket, whilst at the same time it relentlessly tweaks the present with an unblinking (if not always focussed) eye on the future. Cricket spectators, writers, administrators and players are all helpless dreamers.

 

Our Dreams (or nightmares) about that missed catch, that rash shot, that glorious innings, that club cricket tour that only lasted one over (with the rest of the time spent in the hotel bar watching Botham comeback from a drugs bar), that frightening spell by the demon quick, that plan to make cricket an Olympic Sport (again – NB. The Great Britain XI are the reigning Olympic Champions – that’s 123 years unbeaten!!) etcetera, are the essence of cricket!

 

A game without dreams can hollow out our soul, just ask anyone who had to tolerate a team lead by Don Revie, or another turgid one-nil to the Arsenal performance, or the 70’s/80’s win at all costs All Blacks, or the grinding cynicism of Argentina 1990, or Australia at Newlands 2018. Dream killers one and all. 

 

How does that relate to the 4^th Test? Simple – The dream goes like this. 

 

On a murky Manchester morning…

 

Stokes flips the 50p he cadged off Baz in the dressing room before heading out, Cummins calls ‘Heads’, the coin lands tails on grass. Australia had considered batting but decide to insert (a twofold rationale, the weather and to blunt the English penchant for chasing down any score imaginable). 

 

The ball starts hooping around from the off. England are 3 down within an hour, 5 by lunchtime for a paltry sixty-something. The sun bursts over Old Trafford, like a Johnny Marr riff shimmering in the heavens. Moeen Ali (dropped off only his second delivery) has managed to cling on, more by dint of avoiding the strike than anything else. 

 

But now, with Mancunian voices filling the air with encouragement, he starts to compile the innings of his life, from nudge & nurdle, he starts to glide and caress and finally slap and crack the ball to all parts of the ground. His century comes up in the second over after tea, a slog sweep off the hapless Aussie part time spinner and former captain.

 

England are finally all out in the 5^th over of the 3^rd day’s play (rain having washed out all of day 2). The ball is given to Jimmy Anderson, he walks back to his mark at the James Anderson end, he stops briefly, he turns and sets off…

 

The dream is alive! 

 

Jack Nash

18/7/23

The 2023 Ashes - 4th Test Preview by Jack Nash

 And so…

 

The Ashes often flatters to deceive, especially when England are the touring party. By this stage in an Australian hosted series, with match 4 looming, the home team’s only concern would be how to recover from a raucous couple of days celebrating series victory and retention of the blessed urn. 

 

Fortunately, recent series’ in the UK have at least been a little more balanced and the 2023 version appears no different. All three games, as my fellow scribes have rightly attested, have been close run things and either side could have wrapped up the whole thing if a couple more catches had stuck, or tails hadn’t wagged. Anyway, we are where we are, with both sides yet to fully fire on all cylinders and yet the entertainment and tension are bobbing along at the top end of the Botham-Stokes Scale. 

 

A few days out from the fourth test at Old Trafford and the armchair selectors are in fine form. England are trying to work out how to make up for the loss of Pope (the Ali-Lawrence-Root conundrum in full effect). They are also working out how best to juggle their seam attack with Robinson seemingly to be rested after his back buckled under the strain of too many bouncers and rather average chat (Sledging! – JR Editor). The more dynamic approach would be to reinstate Josh Tongue and give the Aussies a “lickle bit of an ‘urry up” but the more pragmatic and romantic approach would be to bring back THE Jimmy Anderson to assert control and add his remarkable guile into the mix. 

 

I won’t dwell on Jimmy’s series so far. However, I genuinely look forward to him sticking it to both the Aussie team, their rather ordinary press pack (boy, have I got stories to tell…) and the smattering of English talking heads who need to renew their assorted punditry contracts and reckon the best way is to be more confrontational than is either seemly or wise. 

 

Over in the other dressing room the question mark that has hovered over the head of David Warner (like Frank Gorshin as The Riddler on a theatrical fly) has swamped pre-match conversation in the clubs and bars of Warner’s home stomping ground of Coogee. The fact that his car park slot now reads “D.Warner bowled Broad” demonstrates the extent to which everyone in cricket knows exactly what’s going to happen when Mr Sandpaper meets The Nighthawk (aka Malfoy). 

 

Does Cummins have the guts to drop the pugnacious Warner? Is he worried how the opener’s wife might take it? Does the Australian Coach (name?) have a say in the matter at all? That decision might well have an impact on whether Mitch Marsh holds his spot. Cameron Green reclaims his place or if both all-rounders get a run. 

 

History suggests Marsh will lose out (as does Geoff Marsh who shared his thoughts with a roving Jardine Reporter a couple of days ago). Warner will cling on to his place and Hazlewood will replace the club medium pacer Boland who seems to have been rumbled. 

 

Aussie concern over the involvement of spinner Todd Murphy in the third test should not lead to him being jettisoned from the match day team in Manchester but the Aussie Coach (whatshisname?) would not confirm he was definitely going to play. 

Anyway, we only have a couple of days to wait until all is revealed. England will announce their team nice and early, which is either a sign of confidence or bravado (or both). The Aussies normally leave it until nearer the start: Clever? Cagey? (or both).

 

Anyway, not to be outdone. Here are my selections:

 

England

 

1.     Crawley

2.     Duckett

3.     Ali

4.     Root

5.     Brook

6.     Stokes

7.     Bairstow

8.     Woakes

9.     Wood

10.  Broad

11.  Anderson

 

Australia

 

1.     Khawaja

2.     Warner

3.     Labuschagne

4.     Smith

5.     Head

6.     Green

7.     Carey

8.     Starc

9.     Cummins

10.  Murphy

11.  Hazelwood

 

 

Jack Nash

17/7/23

 

 

Ashes 2019 - Selection meeting

After much conferring the selection panel (Bunny, The Young Maltravers, Mrs Denby & I) have come to the conclusion that the following XII should be considered for the First Test against Australia at Edgbaston (subject to fitness).

• Joe Root (C)
• Jos Buttler (VC)
• Moeen Ali
• Jimmy Anderson
• Joffra Archer
• Jonny Bairstow
• Rory Burns
• Stuart Broad
• Zac Crawley
• Jason Roy
• Ben Stokes
• Chris Woakes

Forget 2019 and all that... This is TEST cricket

Remember how England's rugby team plummeted after winning the 2003 Rugby World Cup in Sydney. World Champions to chumps in a matter of months. Or even further back when Scotland beat England 3-2 at Wembley in 1967, less than a year after Bobby Moore lifted the Jules Rimet trophy at the same ground. Or, sticking to cricket, England's rapid demise after regaining the Ashes in 2005 (Australia whitewash 2006-07).

The tendency for English sportsmen to see reaching the top as the sole limit of their ambition is a something of a rather depressing national trait. Unlike previous Australia or West Indies dynasties, there is an inbuilt relax button that our team seem only too ready to press. But surely nothing can demonstrate this better than England's shabby performance in the first Test match of this summer against Ireland.

The fact that this is only Ireland's* third test match ever was not an excuse to pick a hotchpotch of a side. Sure, rest injured players but do not waltz into this game without a serious game plan and a serious desire to win.

A lot has been made of England's desire to play an exciting brand of cricket, something that Eoin Morgan's ODI side managed to do consistently (clear plans + clear roles = clear expectations). However, England's test team do not have such a steely eyed Captain and more importantly, they don't seem to have a plan/clue.

The inclusion of 50-over top gun Jason Roy makes a lot of sense, given his obvious attributes. There is no doubt he could become a very important top order batsmen and a calculated risk worth taking. However, his technique is not robust enough to consistently score big over the 5 day format. But that is fine, just as long as the rest of the team don't believe they should bat like the Surrey man too. Current Test Skipper Root had a good World Cup, he made runs when he batted like a test cricketer. As soon as he tries to reinvent himself as a 20/20 dasher the problems arise. (His stint in the Big Bash in Australia demonstrated his flaws all too frequently).

And there are plenty more examples of very talented cricketers over stretching themselves all the way down the batting order. Bairstow's pair highlights his early innings frailties. Moeen hardly warrants a slot above No.9 and Woakes is a bowler who can bat but he is palpably not a natural test all-rounder.

Cricket in general is over-burdoned with ghastly proto-management speak: 'Executing our plans', 'Playing our brand of cricket' (even I fell into the trap in the 4th paragraph of this piece), blah-di-blah-di.... And somehow now the idea of playing an 'exciting brand of cricket' has usurped playing 'winning cricket'. I'm not sure that this new approach is legitimately increasing people's enjoyment. Yes, it is far more refreshing to see Jos Buttler cart Pat Cummins into Row Z of the Tavern Stand than to see him playing and missing. But, it is even more exciting to see him construct a century mixing power, finesse and intelligence - as opposed to an agricultural smear strewn 24 off 6 balls.

England have got huge talent in their test ranks but and it is a massive but, they will tarnish their legacy if they continue to throw their wickets away with such alarming frequency. They are better than this! However, unless the coach and captain swiftly remedy their 'plans', they will spend the summer dodging press conferences and clutching at straws.

And finally, just in case anyone is in any doubt. Winning cricket does not mean winning at all costs (that has been rightly condemned - Smith/Warner/Bancroft will always be known as cheats). But winning cricket (especially in the Ashes) is what England expects. If an exciting "brand" of cricket earns you victory then fantastic, if over-reliance upon it brings you defeat, then perhaps you are missing the point of 5 day TEST match cricket...

*A more detailed look at Ireland's performance will appear later.

It's been a while but Jardine is back...

I can only apologise for my tardiness in posting here - totally unacceptable I know. I got bizarrely sidetracked by a thing called Twitter. Where by the way, you can still find me in a state of high dudgeon on a regular basis

@jardinereport

Mr Jardine

England - World Champions

What a game, what a wonderful, remarkable game!

Thank you to both teams. 

4-0 down and one more to go...

Barely has one England embarrassment happened than another one follows it up with the same frequency of England batsmen whirring through the revolving door on the dressing room. The last two days performance at the MCG must rank alongside the very worst of the last decade (and we've seen a few).

As promised the Jardine Report will reserve final judgement until after Australia wrap the series up at the SCG. In the meantime, here is some food for though for the England selectors (assuming the current squad is all that we can choose from).

1. Cook ©
2. Root
3. Bell
4. Pietersen
5. Ballance
6. Stokes
7. Prior (w)
8. Broad
9. Finn
10. Anderson
11. Panesar

Dispirited? Embarrassed?

I'm afraid so.

Graeme Swann: England bowler retires from cricket

England bowler Graeme Swann has announced he is retiring from all forms of cricket with immediate effect.

The Nottinghamshire off-spinner is sixth on the list of England's highest wicket-takers.

Great work Swanny - We're going to miss you!

Third Test

Err… We lost!

Full post mortem to follow...

All that really remains of the Adelaide Oval

(see full image)

Second Test - Second Day

The catchphrase 'England Toil' was invented on days like these.

A scene from better days

Second Test - Day One

Not a bad day for the good guys but three dropped catches could prove the difference by the end of the match.

Australia 273-5 at the close.

Second Test - Michael Clarke Axed!

In a shock announcement England have confirmed that Michael Clarke has been dropped as chairman of the England Selectors after the woeful performance in Brisbane. Clarke had previously announced the England side for the 2nd Test but behind the scenes manoeuvring has seen Clarke ousted from the prestigious role. The knock on effect is that Clarke's two picks Gary Balance and Tim Bresnan have been replaced by Monty Panesar and Ben Stokes.

Monty celebrates Clarke's demise as Chairman of Selectors

England blame selectors for defeat in First Test

After the heavy defeat in the first test match in Brisbane the England Selectors have come under severe scrutiny. Current Chairman of England selectors Michael Clarke has been given an ultimatum to come up with a winning combination in the Adelaide Test or he faces the risk of losing his role as England's cricketing supremo!

The fact that Clarke is the Australian Test Captain has been sited as one of the reasons cited for England's poor performance in Brisbane. However, plucky Gok Wan devotee Michael Clarke has denied that his role as Aussie skipper has had any impact on his decision making. When pressed on the matter he started prattling on about "executing plans" and "keeping up the aggression" and at that stage your JR correspondent made his excuses and left.

Michael Clarke is 32.

A Captain's Influence

I thought Michael Clarke would like to know about an incident I witnessed yesterday.

In a representative training match the first ball of the session was a bouncer. This was then followed up by the wicketkeeper suggesting the batsmen was then going to get, and I quote, "his fucking arm broken".

The players were all U-13's.

He must be very proud.

Mitchell Johnson - Go West!

Erratic Australian opening bowler and backing vocalist in the Village People Mitchell Johnson has dismissed the suggestion of a truce with England following a bad-tempered Ashes opener, according to the BBC.

Jonathan Trott was openly criticised in a press conference by David Warner (Warner's second cowardly attack of the year) before his stress-related exit from the Ashes. And Australia's Captain Michael Clarke was fined for an obscenity while warning James Anderson to expect a broken arm. 

"Their coach wants a truce from what I've heard. That's not going to change from our end," said Johnson. 

"I think it's worked for us. I definitely think they're rattled by it. They don't like it at all". 

Johnson then went on to promote his forthcoming role in "Go West" a musical about his rags to riches transition from local club cricketer to backing vocalist in notoriously macho 70's disco band Village People to wayward opening bowler for Western Australia and self-styled "terrifying" opening bowler for 5th ranked world test team Australia. From Village Green via Village People to the WACA!

David Warner - Now it all makes sense