Fancy a game of cricket?

Anyone who would like a game next Monday in Sydney has been asked to give Andrew Hilditch a call at Cricket Australia HQ before 4:00pm today to confirm their availability.

NB: Applicants must have their own whites. However, Cricket Australia can supply pads, gloves etc. Also one second-hand Kookaburra bat (not used) is available to share.

As we predicted...

Michael Clarke will be named captain today after Ricky Ponting was ruled out of the fifth and final Ashes Test against England in Sydney.

Ponting has suffered complications to a broken little finger on his left hand and is expected to be out for four weeks. He originally suffered the injury failing to take a slips catch during the third Test in Perth and then aggravated it during the Boxing Day Test in Melbourne.

Usman Khawaja will in all likelihood replace Ricky Ponting at No3.Clarke has had a terrible series and has struggled since moving to No4, averaging 20. Unheard of left arm spinner Michael Beer is expected to make his debut with Khawaja in Sydney after being 12th man in the last two Tests.

Ponting’s Australian team physiotherapist former bus driver Alex Kountouris said: “Ricky Ponting had a repeat x-ray after the fourth Test which showed evidence that the fracture of his fifth finger has moved during the course of the Melbourne Test. As such he needs to commence treatment immediately to achieve a satisfactory outcome. The treatment options include surgery or aggressive splinting and immobilisation of the injured finger. A decision on the treatment option will be made in the next 24 hours after further consultation with the hand specialist.His return to cricket will be based on how quickly the fracture heals and he will hopefully commence training in the later part of the Australian summer. He is expected to be fully fit for the ICC Cricket World Cup.”

Ponting had been under extreme pressure because of the poor form of his team and his own meagere batting returns which produced just 113 runs at 16.14 whuile batting at No.3. Ponting is expected to be fit for the one-day World Cup on the subcontinent starting February.

Australia must also replace injured fast bowler Rolf Harris, who will be sidelined four months by stress fractures in his left ankle suffered in the fourth Test. The squad for the Sydney Test, which Australia must win to square the Ashes series at two-all, will be announced at 5.30pm.

The Jardine Report: Anyone who would like a game has been asked to give Andrew Hilditch a call before 4:00pm to confirm their availability.

A Guide to Australian Whine (Part 2)

THE AUSTRALIAN

The demented Malcolm Conn demands urgent changes to the way Australian cricket is run and turns his sights on the Cricket Australia board, describing it as a "plodding, reactive, 19th century anachronism failing to keep pace in an ever-changing 21st century world," and insisting it should be replaced with a "proactive, forward-thinking independent commission not bound in parochial state-based chains."

Conn adds: "The CA board is ultimately responsible for this country's tumble from grace as a Test nation. It wallowed in the glory of Australia's decade of domination instead of reading the signs of what was coming.

In a churlish article Conn lavishes England's achievement with typically feint praise "It's one thing to be flogged by the once mighty West Indies after the upheaval of World Series Cricket and rebel tours of South Africa. It is quite another to be humiliated by a third-ranked nation which has one superstar, the South African-born Kevin Pietersen, when he gets his head right."

So, even in defeat the pathetic one-eyed sniping of Conn gets in the way of a valid (but disappointingly Sydney-centric) overview of Cricket Australia's failings. It would seem that judging by the quality of his writing it isn't only a change in the dressing room required.

A change in the press box might be handy too!

THE AGE

Under a 'Rotten To The Core' headline, Peter 'Robo' Roebuck (Former Englishman and now fair dinkum Aussie hack) writes that relegation down the order would be preferable to stripping Ponting of the captaincy.

"Ricky Ponting has his failings and his record is blotted by the loss of three Ashes series, but he has two World Cups and umpteen victories. His poor form is a concern, but that does not mean it is over for him.

"Plainly, though, the combination of captaining a struggling side and batting at first wicket down has taken a toll. He could be retained a while longer as captain and instructed to bat at number five. Many captains have slipped down the order or started there, including Allan Border, Steve Waugh, Viv Richards and Clive Lloyd. He has earned the respite."

Australia coach Tim Nielsen and the Australian selectors do not fare as well, with reference being made to Nielsen having been "outplayed by his counterpart" (Andy Flower) and the selectors accused of forgetting the fundamentals. "They could start by naming a proper opening pair. It is a specialist skill."


SYDNEY MORNING HERALD

Former Australia medium pacer Stuart Clark, writing in the Herald, bemoans a lack of top-order batting partnerships and points out that England had more stability in their top order.

Clark also highlights two "glaring issues" on the bowling front; the lack of a "viable spinner" and a lack of variety in Australia's seam attack compared to England, who have a "varied and balanced attack capable of taking 20 wickets on all surfaces."

Surely he wasn't suggesting a recall for a certain dibby-dobby medium pacer who currently rotates his arm for NSW, was he?

NB: For those of you who visit this blog expecting articles on Australian Wine, I suggest you learn how to read before drinking any more of the disgusting stuff!

Poll Results - Should Ponting Go?

Yes - 38%
No - 62%

An interesting outcome, although we can't help but think that more Englishmen voted for Punter's retention than Aussies. You naughty scamps!

The Jardine Report: Ponting has been a fine player for Australia over the years but he has been found wanting THREE TIMES now when it comes to the hardest test of them all. He won't be around to lead Australia in England in 2013, so he should go now!

Fourth Test - Day Four

The Mighty Mighty England have retained the Ashes for the first time in 24 years - and with a match to spare - after easing to a comprehensive win in the fourth Test.

Australia, resuming 246 runs behind on 169-6 and with Ryan Harris unable to bat, were eventually dismissed for 258 before lunch on day four in Melbourne.
Chris Tremlett, Graeme Swann and Tim Bresnan each took a wicket as England won by a magnificent innings and 157 runs. The tourists are now 2-1 up with only the Sydney Test remaining. If they avoid defeat there, England will win their first series down under since 1986/87.

"We've got to keep our feet on the ground because there are many goals that we want to achieve both in this series and into the future," said England captain Andrew Strauss. "But we're very excited right now. It's a special occasion the MCG game and to come out here and retain the Ashes is something that will live long in all our memories." Strauss was quick to heap praise on his team-mates.
"These guys deserve everything they get because the players stood up and performed when it matters," he said. "It's great for me but we all know a captain's nothing without the guys who stand up and deliver under pressure.
"I'm not going to take the credit for this because it's not my victory, it's the team's victory."

MacDonalds fast food promoter Shane Warne was quick to praise the English.
"Congrats to the England cricket team on retaining the ashes .. It has taken 24 years for England to do it in Aust.. Well done and Congrats."

England's win in Melbourne was their biggest against Australia since 1956 and one they fully deserved after dominating their opponents with both bat and ball from the start. Strauss's men showed immense character and skill to bounce back from a comprehensive defeat in Perth, although they were aided by a bitterly disappointing performance from Australia.

While rather obvious questions surrounding Ricky Ponting's future as Australia captain will intensify, his side could yet salvage a share of the spoils from a final Test that starts on 3 January. However, the current state of self-loathing and navel gazing would seem to suggest that it is unlikely.

With Australia staring down the barrel of a crushing home defeat by their fiercest rivals, the players were greeted by vast swathes of empty seats as they walked out at the 100,000-capacity stadium. Fortunatley, the Barmy Army were out in force to will England over the line - and they swiftly had cause for celebration.
Bresnan got proceedings under way with a brutal over of reverse swing that had Mitchell Johnson in all sorts of trouble. The formerly Tubby Tyke laid the foundations for an early strike, which duly arrived in the second over of the day when Trembo swung one back into left-hander Johnson and clattered his stumps via an inside edge. A swift end appeared possible but Peter Siddle and Brad Haddin combined to delay the inevitable.

Watchful at first, Haddin soon began to hit out and the New South Welshman moved towards a seventh Test half-century by dispatching Swann down the ground for six. A couple of edges narrowly eluded Colly at slip before Siddle got in on the act with a slog-sweep over wide long-on for a maximum. It was important for England to remain patient, and instead of taking the new ball Strauss opted to stick with the spin of Swann and swing of Bresnan. It was a move that swiftly paid dividends.

Siddle had grafted his way to a career-best score of 40 but there would be no maiden half-century after he hoiked Swann to KP running round from long-on. With just one wicket needed, it arrived in the very next over, Ben Hilfenhaus caught behind off Bresnan for an ignominious pair to spark scenes of jubilation among the England players and fans alike.

Mike Fat Gat Gatting, the last England captain to win the Ashes down under, said success was down to the fact that the tourists have been "very well led, very well coached, very well prepared". He added: "The great thing about winning in Australia, you have to play as a team."It's not just any one person who is going to win you the Ashes and make a huge difference. Everyone has to compete out there because you are battling against a team that is used to winning in its own back yard."

England batting coach and former captain Graham Goochy Gooch added: "Everyone there can be proud of their performance. But they won't be thinking that this is over yet. They will want to go to Sydney and finish Australia off and win the series. That was the aim at the beginning of the tour."

Defeat in Melbourne means Ponting, 36, is the first Australian skipper in 120 years to fail three times in the Ashes. "We've learnt a lot about how to play very good Test cricket from some of the cricket that the English team have played over the last few weeks," he said. "I'm disappointed with the way this series has gone for us so far, really disappointed at the way this week has turned out for us after having such a good week last week. But I think the really important thing we need to do is pay credit to England and the way they played for the whole tour."

England and Australia began the series by drawing the Brisbane Test. We then went 1-0 up crushing the hosts by an innings and 71 runs in Adelaide, only for Australia to hit back instantly in Perth, recording a surprise 267-run victory.

However, there was no denying England and the comprehensive victory was achieved 24 years and one day on from the last time an England team managed to retain the Urn in Australia.

The Jardine Report: Bloody marvellous

Enlgand retain The Ashes

Yessss!!!

Fourth Test - Day Three

Getting closer...

England moved closer to retaining the Ashes for the first time in 24 years following another fine display at the Melbourne Test on day three. England added 69 to their overnight total as they were dismissed for 513, with the brilliant but decidedly prosaic Jonathan Trott unbeaten on 168.

Australia had been progressing steadily at 99-1 when burly Yorkshireman Tim Bresnan ripped through the middle order with three wickets for five runs in the final session. The hosts ended the day on 169-6, still 246 runs adrift of the tourists. That deficit is purely mathematical with only three lower-order wickets remaining - Rolf Harris is unlikely to bat after sustaining a stress fracture of his left ankle bowling in the morning session - and with England's bowlers rampant.

A superb, disciplined display from the quartet was characterised by sustained periods of pressure, starving Australia's beleaguered top order of run-scoring opportunities. At the forefront of the middle-order demolition was Bresnan's superb spell of 3-17 from seven eventful overs, dismissing Shane Watson, Ricky Ponting and Mike Hussey in quick succession.

Yorkshireman Bresnan was ably assisted by the frugal Chris Tremlett and the ever consistent James Anderson, who once again exemplified why he is the best swing bowler in the world. And Graeme Swann's canny ability to collect wickets at crucial stages left Australia staring down the barrel of yet another humiliating innings defeat on home soil. After almost two days of rest, England's bowlers were eventually called for action after lunch when the tourists were dismissed for their third 500+ total in this series.

The indefatigable Trott brought up his second Test score in excess of 150 as wickets tumbled around him, with the ever-persistent Peter Siddle rewarded for a spirited bowling display with figures of 6-75, his fourth five-wicket haul in Test cricket. Sussex’s Matt Prior fell 15 runs short of his fourth Test hundred when he unfortunately spooned a catch to Ponting at mid-on, while Bresnan became Siddle's fifth victim. But Australia's hopes of wrapping up the tail were hindered when Harris was forced off the field when he broke down in his 28th over, later confirmed as a stress fracture which will require surgery.

An entertaining knock of 22 from Swann was brought to an end when Brad Haddin took an excellent one-handed catch high above his head off Ben Hilfenhaus, only his second wicket in the series. And Tasmanian Hilfenhaus added a third minutes later when he cleaned up Tremlett's stumps before Siddle wrapped up the innings with his sixth wicket when a fast reverse-swinging delivery clean bowled Anderson.
With two-and-a-half days remaining in the match, Australia needed to bat at least six sessions if they were to stand any chance of keeping the series alive for the final Test in Sydney on 2 January. The onus was on Australia's openers to provide a solid platform for a robust riposte and, although Phillip Hughes began nervously with a series of streaky boundaries behind square, they managed to notch a confidence-boosting 50-run partnership.

However, Swann's second over in the afternoon session provided the breakthrough, although the dismissal owed more to Watson's poor judgement calling for a quick single than the off-spinner's guile. A superb throw from Trott in the covers caught Hughes out of his ground with Watson lamenting his hasty call from the non-striker's end. Bresnan and Anderson choked the flow of runs with a disciplined display of swing bowling, manipulating the 15-over old ball in both directions as Ponting and Watson were given few run-scoring opportunities to cash in on.

Tremlett maintained the stranglehold, using his huge 6ft 7in frame to generate awkward bounce and height, making batting an arduous affair for Australia's second-wicket pair. The Surrey seamer was unfortunate to see a thick Watson outside edge fall just short of Prior at 79-1 while a number of lbw appeals were repeatedly turned down by umpire Aleem Dar, with height providing the biggest doubt in the Pakistani official's mind.

Watson reached his 15th Test half century from 95 deliveries in the 30th over but once again the barrel-chested opener fell short of a three-figure score when he misjudged a reverse-swinging delivery, offering no stroke to a ball which moved back into his pads.Umpire Tony Hill upheld England's clamorous lbw appeal, although Watson's fate was delayed as the opener referred the decision to the third umpire Marais Erasmus, only for the South African to confirm the ball would have just clipped the top of the bails.

Ponting's painstaking innings of 20 from 73 deliveries was brought to a close soon after when a thick inside edge clattered into his stumps, much to the delight of the jubilant England fans. And the assiduous Mr Cricket, England's nemesis throughout the first three Test matches, was dismissed without scoring when Ian Bell took an excellent low catch at short cover to leave Australia reeling at 104-4.

With rookie 'Waylon' Smith, whose credentials as a Test number six have been rightly questioned by seasoned observers and home fans alike, and the out-of-form Michael Clarke FAC2011 at the crease, England sensed another dismissal was close.

Although the fifth-wicket partnership offered obdurate defence, it was the deception of Swann which earned it. Bowling around the wicket to Clarke, the off-spinner's delivery held its line outside the off stump and a thick outside edge flew into the hands of Andrew Strauss at second slip, further compounding Australia's vice-captain's miserable series. Smith swung his bat at every opportunity whenever he was offered a modicum of width, collecting six boundaries before he dragged a short ball from Anderson on to his stumps to leave Australia on 158-6.

With Mitchell Johnson at the crease alongside Brad Haddin, Australia face the impossible task of saving the Test - and series - on day four, which is certain to herald huge celebrations from England players and fans alike.

The Jardine Report: Only four wickets, 3 if Rolf's extra leg lets him down, to go...

Fourth Test - Day Two

Soon to be deposed Australian Captain in shock questioning of umpire's decision

Jonathan Trott scored his fifth Test hundred as England took total control of the fourth Ashes Test in Melbourne. Trott remained unbeaten on 141 as the tourists finished on 444-5, a lead of 346 as Australia endured another frustrating day in the field. After resuming on 157-0, England were restricted to 286-5 before Trott and Sussex's Matt Prior (75 not out) took control.

The day was marred by controversy when under fire soon to be ex-Captain of Australia Ricky Ponting remonstrated with the umpires following a review decision. The Whinging Australia captain was later fined a paltry 40% of his playing fee by match referee Ranjan Madugalle. The incident stemmed from Kevin Pietersen being correctly given not out by umpire Aleem Dar following a vociferous caught behind appeal off Ryan Harris. Urged on by chippy wicketkeeper Brad Haddin, Ponting asked for a referral - only for third umpire Marais Erasmus to uphold Dar's original decision when replays and Hotspot indicated the ball had not made contact with Pietersen's bat. But the ungracious Ponting refused to accept the decision, continuing his protestations to umpire Dar and his square leg colleague Tony Hill, much to the chagrin of most in the 67,149 crowd at the MCG.

The incident was the low point of another frustrating day for an Australia team desperate to make at least partial amends for their feeble display in being dismissed for 98 on day one.The day had though begun optimistically for the hosts as Peter Siddle, bowling with real pace and purpose, found the perfect line outside off stump to snare an edge off Alastair Cook to first slip in the day's fifth over. The Essex opener fell 18 runs short of what would have been his third hundred of the series and he was soon followed by captain Andrew Strauss.

The left-hander was surprised by a delivery which spit sharply off the surface from a length, gleaning a thick leading edge towards gully, where Mike Hussey took an excellent one-handed catch at full stretch to leave England at 170-2. Alongside Trott, new-man Pietersen initially played cautiously as Australia tested the third-wicket pair in a hostile spell of fast bowling, although Pietersen opened his shoulders when Steven Smith was introduced, hitting two boundaries from the leg-spinner's first over as England reached 226-2 at lunch. Pietersen in particular looked in excellent touch, unfurling a number of consummate straight drives down the ground as Australia counted down the overs until the new ball was available. But, soon after Ponting's referral histrionics, Pietersen perished after notching his 21st Test half century when he was adjudged lbw shuffling across his crease to Siddle, who collected his third wicket with his third delivery of the afternoon session with England at 262-3.

And momentum shifted a little further towards Australia when Mitchell Johnson utilised the short ball to effect as he snared Paul Collingwood and Ian Bell for single-figure scores with almost identical dismissals. Both batsmen fell for the bouncer sucker-punch, top-edging poorly controlled pulls to fine leg where Siddle took two good catches to leave England at 286-5.The dismissal heaped yet more pressure on the under-fire Collingwood, who fell for his 10th single-figure Test score in 12 innings, a statistic which England's selectors may find hard to ignore when picking the side for next week's Sydney Test.

Despite losing two partners in quick succession, Trott remained defiant although a full-length dive just about saved him from a run-out just before accumulating his sixth Test half century from 118 deliveries. However, the afternoon session was engulfed in yet more drama when Prior was recalled after edging Johnson to Brad Haddin on five, umpire Dar utilising a television replay to belatedly rule the bowler had overstepped the popping crease. While Prior constantly flirted with fortune, Trott remained indefatigable in defence, working the ball to leg with quiet efficiency off his middle stump while showing excellent judgement to leave anything potentially hazardous outside off.

He was momentarily floored when he required attention after an inside edge cannoned into his knee, but he eschewed the offer of a runner and brought up his third Ashes century in only five matches. The 29-year-old is only behind Indian duo Virender Sehwag and Sachin Tendulkar in list of the leading Test run scorers of 2010 and he was in no mood to give his wicket away as Australia's bowlers wilted in the late-evening sunshine as the sixth-wicket pair put on 158 runs.
After riding his luck early on in his innings, Prior moved to within 25 runs of his fourth Test century and first against Australia with a series of scything drives and lusty blows off leg-spinner Smith as England put themselves in the ideal position to retain the Ashes for the first time in 24 years.

The Jardine Report: Another great day for England and an awful day for the beleaguered soon to be redundant Aussie skipper

Local reaction

Some Stats...

AUSTRALIA'S TOTAL OF 98
Lowest against England at the MCG
Lowest first innings at the MCG
Lowest against England since 1968
Lowest score in Australia since 1984
Lowest at the MCG since 1981
Lowest against England at home since 1936

Fourth Test - Day One

I was there...

As were 84,000+ other spectators to witness what can only be described as the cricketing equivalent of a perfect storm. Australia kept faith with the battering ram attack that demolished England in Perth, whilst England swapped tiring young wicket taking tyro Finn with no nonsense Tyke Bresnan. The toss was always going to be crucial and Strauss called correctly and inserted the Aussies. Under a slate grey Victorian sky England put themselves in a remarkably dominant position after day one of the fourth Ashes Test having bowled out Australia for just 98 in Melbourne.

Chris ‘Trembo’ Tremlett and James ‘Jimmy Jimmy’ Anderson swung the ball beautifully to take four wickets each after captain Andrew Strauss had won an important toss. Australia showed poor technique to contribute to their demise. And they were made to pay when Strauss and Alastair Cook pushed England along to a very healthy 157-0 in reply. Having lost by 267 runs on a much faster wicket in Perth to relinquish their 1-0 series lead, England's flawless performance on Boxing Day with bat and ball defied logic.

They have already put Australia, who recorded their lowest all-out total in an Ashes Test at the MCG, in a situation where defeat is a probability. In Australia's main excuse was the fact that cool, cloudy conditions up until tea had turned the early exchanges into something more akin to a May Test match in England, with bowlers able to extract swing and seam movement. But the reality is they were outplayed. With perfect timing for the tourists, the clouds melted away as Strauss - who ended the day on 64 - and Cook (80) strode to the crease. And barring one or two early deliveries from Ben Hilfenhaus the ball did not swing for the Australians.

Australia entered this critical match with only three batsmen in any sort of form. Mike ‘Mr Cricket’ Hussey had made an extraordinary 517 in the first three Tests, while Shane Watson and Brad Haddin had also produced some key performances.
This time, however, with England's three seamers locating a searching length from the off - and finding swing consistently, those three all failed. Michael Clarke FAC2011 and soon to be ex-Australian captain Ricky Ponting were due runs, but managed only 20 and 10 respectively, while Phillip Bradman and Steve ‘Gumby’ Smith do not appear to possess the necessary techniques for swing-friendly conditions.

Such was the one-sidedness of the early exchanges, that England could afford to drop Watson twice before he had scored - Paul Collingwood at third slip and KP in the gully were the culprits. Anderson was the unlucky bowler on those two occasions, but it was Tremlett who supplied the first wicket, Watson getting a nasty one that bounced up to an uncomfortable height - and gloving to Pietersen. Despite his double let-off, Watson had made only five. There was another catch for Pietersen in the gully when Hughes, craving anything wide outside off, flashed at one that he should have left to give Bresnan a wicket with his seventh ball in an Ashes contest.

The Yorkshireman had been a debatable selection ahead of Steven Finn, the leading wicket-taker in the series. But he showed some fine control at one end as Tremlett and Anderson probed away at the other.

Ricky Ponting suggested a possible return to form when hitting two fine pull shots for four, but Tremlett got one to fizz away from him off the seam and the Australian captain's edge was well held by Graeme Swann at second slip. England were in prime position at 37-3, but they still needed to send Mr Cricket back to the pavilion. They got their wish when Anderson snaked one away from Mr Knickit off a full length just two balls before a 90-minute rain break which incorporated lunch. Prior's catch was riotously celebrated, and Anderson remained in hot form during the afternoon; uncertain pushes outside off-stump caused the demise of both Steve Smith and Clarke -the Anderson-Prior combination doing the business each time.

A score of 77-6 became 77-8 when Haddin wafted Bresnan to slip, before Prior accepted another catch from Anderson's bowling to send the occasionally dangerous Mitchell Johnson on his way for a duck. Tremlett returned to wrap up the tail and Australia were all out in 42.5 overs - their lowest score against England since 1968.
Every dismissal had been as a result of a catch behind the wicket, Prior becoming the seventh England gloveman to take at least six in a Test innings. England's efficiency in the field meant they could turn their attentions to batting during the tea interval. Their progress was serene in the extreme as Strauss and Cook did what Australia's batsmen had failed to do - leave the ball well alone when necessary, or play it tightly in defence with bat and pad close together. Cook was given out lbw on 27 but called for a review which quickly revealed an inside edge.

There were some nice shots as well, such as Strauss's on-drive off Peter Siddle to bring up the fifty partnership and two straight drives for four by Cook off Hilfenhaus. Even as news filtered through that 84,345 spectators had watched the early exchanges of the afternoon session, huge swathes of them were already leaving the ground - though a delighted Barmy Army contingent remained in situ.

Strauss took England into the lead with a sublime on-drive off Watson, but Cook was playing with even more fluency than his senior partner and was just 20 short of a third century in the series when stumps were drawn.

I, like the remaining 20,000 English spectators could not believe what we had seen. Unfortunately the Aussies in the crowd and had all got "prior commitments" or "Family over for Boxing Day Supper", so sadly they missed the end of a truly remarkable day in the history of Ashes Tests.

The Jardine Report: Un-bloody-believable!

Editorial Announcement

Please note that the coincidence of being 'offline' during the third test is not a reflection on the fine performance of Mitchell Johnson, the poor English batting display and the overall levelling of the series.

The team were called back to England on a personal matter and therefore could not pass judgement on the doctored pitch, crap sledging and the fortuitous return to form of our mate Mitch.

However, the good news is we will be back in Oz in time for Boxing Day and we shall be in attendance for the first ball. Please follow our delightful tweets c/o http://twitter.com/#!/jardinereport

Until the MCG...

Hackwatch #5

According to the Sydney Morning Herald...

Australia selector Greg Cheatin' Chappell has revealed they always planned to leave fast bowler Mitchell Johnson out of the second Test against England at Adelaide as part of a rotation system because of the hectic schedule of five Tests in seven weeks.

I have but one question. If the left arm pie chucker had taken a bagful of wickets would they have rested poor old precious Mitchell?

Australia's Test selectors resort to Beer

Knee-jerk selection by beleaguered Aussies

Unknown left-arm (allegedly) spinner Michael Beer was a surprise selection as Australia dropped Marcus North, Doug the Rug and Miss Xaviera Hollander for the third Ashes Test. Beer, who has made only five first-class appearances, is joined by leg-spinner Steve Gumby Smith in a squad of 12. Pacemen Ben Hilfenhaus and Mitchell Johnson, who played at Brisbane but were dropped for the defeat by England in Adelaide, are back in the reckoning. And left-handed opener Phillip 'The New Bradman' Hughes comes in for the injured Simon Katich.

Smith, viewed as a genuine all-rounder in some quarters, seems certain to start the Perth Test, which begins on 16 December, since no batsman has been picked to replace North, Australia's misfiring number six from Brisbane and Adelaide. Beer will also play, unless Australia - desperate to win at Perth to get back on to level terms in the Ashes - pick four specialist seamers.

Beer staggered into first-class cricket in his mid-20s and has only 16 first-class wickets at an average of 39.93, five of which came in England's tour match against Western Australia - Can you see what they've done there? Fortunately for Beer he had won the backing of Macdonald's greatest ever ambassador Shane Warne, and the champion of Advanced Hair Studios seems to have hoodwinked the selectors again

Australia's chairman of selectors and terrible player of the hook shot, Andrew Hilditch, said. "Michael is (apparently) a left-arm orthodox spinner who has been very impressive at domestic level this year. He took wickets against England in the tour match earlier this summer and we expect he will bowl very well against the English on his home ground."

Beer, 26, plied his trade in Melbourne club cricket until the end of last season, when he moved to Western Australia in an attempt to launch his domestic career. He said: "I'm very much stoked and surprised. I don't think it really sank in until I rang my parents and blurted it out myself and thought, hang on, what's going on here?"

One man who will hopefully play at the Waca (from an English perspective) is the New Bradman, who made four and zero in his most recent first-class match but was always favourite to replace Katich. The veteran left-hander will miss the rest of the series with an Achilles tendon injury.

Former Australia fast bowler Henry Lawson was critical of the selectors' thinking, labelling Beer as "just a fledgling".
Lawson told BBC Radio 5 live: "There are a lot of respectable spinners around in Australian cricket. Last week Hauritz played in Perth, took five wickets and bowled really well. "Two leg-spinners, Jason Krejza and Bryce McGain, don't seem to be in favour. There are a number of other decent bowlers but the national selectors don't want to persevere with them."

Looking at the return of Johnson and Hilfenhaus just one match after being dropped, Lawson added: "In his last six or seven Tests Johnson has been poor, but he wasn't even allowed to play for Queensland against Western Australia in the match starting on Saturday. "It is bizarre thinking from the coaching staff and selectors to put him back in the team when he has been bowling poorly for some time and has only had net work, whereas someone like Doug Bollinger has been Australia's best bowler for the past 12 months."He had a poor game in Adelaide but so did quite a few others and they have discarded him on the evidence of one Test match. So it is quite confusing. There is a lack of consistency, a lack of clear process and you can only believe that come next Thursday in Perth there will still be a lot of confusion."


Australia squad: Ricky Ponting (captain), Michael Choker (vice-captain), Shane Watson, Don Bradman, Mike Mr Cricket Hussey, Steve Gumby Smith, Brad Haddin, Shane's Pick, Rolf Harris, Mitchell Johnson, Peter Siddle, Ben Hilfenhaus.

Snow to replace Broad

69 year-old paceman to replace injured quick

In response to the Australian campaign to get Shane Warne reinstated in the Australian Ashes squad. England might have decided to call up John Snow the former England & Sussex fast bowler, renowned poet and the man who discovered the cause of cholera in the mid 19th Century.

Upon arriving in Melbourne for the tourists three day game against Victoria, Andy Flower, England coach, was asked about the rumour circulating that he was considering replacing the injured Stuart Broad with the former demon England quick. Flower smiled and walked on his way. Proof if proof were needed that the Sussex firebrand is uppermost in Flower's mind.

The highlight of Snow's Test career was the tour of Australia in 1970-71 where he was easily the best bowler of either side, taking 31 wickets (22.83) to help England regain The Ashes. He was repeatedly warned over his short-pitched bowling, but the Australians had no real answer to Snow's pace and fire (surely a major factor in Flower's thinking when it comes to selection for Perth).

In the First Test at Brisbane, Bill Lawry won the toss and decided to bat on a good wicket, but became Snow's 100th Test victim, caught by Alan Knott for 4. Australia reached 418-3, but Snow took four late wickets to dismiss them for 433, ending with 6/114. He took 4/143 in the Second Test at Perth, having Australia 17/3 before they rebuilt their innings. Both these Tests were draws, and the Third was abandoned, Snow playing in the first One Day International as a result.

The decisive Test was the Fourth at Sydney where Snow took his best Test bowling of 7/40. He soon dismissed Ian 'biggest whinger in cricket' Chappell, Ian Redpath and Greg Cheatin' Chappell, but Australia recovered overnight to 66/4 when he had Keith Stackpole caught out, followed by Rod Marsh for a duck. After Garth McKenzie retired hurt—hit in the face by a Snow bouncer—he bowled John Gleeson and Alan Connolly for ducks and Australia were all out for 116, Bill Lawry carrying his bat throughout the debacle. It was a superb piece of fast bowling from Snow, aggressive, hostile and decisive and England won by a huge margin of 299 runs, their biggest victory in Australia since 1936-37 to go 1-0 up in the series. This margin was held until the Seventh and last Test, also held at Sydney.

At Sydney, Terry Jenner retired hurt when he ducked into a short delivery from Snow in the first innings. Biased Aussie Umpire Lou Rowan warned the fast bowler for intimidatory bowling yet again, but Snow and Illingworth objected strongly, the captain saying "That's the only bouncer he's bowled" and that he would complain to the A.B.C. Rowan later claimed that Illingworth and Snow swore at him, which they denied. The bowler was loudly booed and "when he returned to his fielding position at long-leg Snow was pelted with bottles, cans and partially-eaten pies".

Some of the crowd wanted to shake his hand, but then he was grabbed by a drunk at Paddington Hill who was forced to let go by other spectators. In 1998 the eighty-year-old Trevor Guy finally fessed up to the Sydney Morning Herald that he was the man who had grabbed Snow in order to tell him what he thought about him hitting Jenner. Guy and Snow, in Australia for the 1998-99 Ashes series agreed that they had no hard feelings. In fact Guy had only remembered he was responsible for the attack on Snow when he'd sobered up in 1997.

To avoid injury to his team, Illingworth took his men back to the dressing room without the permission of the umpires, an unprecedented move in Test cricket. The England manager Clark tried to push Illingworth back onto the field and Alan Barnes of the A.B.C demanded that they return immediately or they would forfeit the match and the Ashes.

A furious Illingworth said he would not return until the playing area had been cleared and the crowd had calmed down. Furthermore he strongly objected to Clark constantly siding with the Australians against his own team. It took seven minutes for the groundstaff to move the debris, during which one was hit on the head with a beer-can and had to be taken to hospital.

Jenner returned to bat at 235-8 and made a brave 30, last man out on 264 to give Australia a lead of 80 runs. England made 302 in their second innings and set Australia 223 to win. Snow took a wicket in his first over, but smashed his finger on the wooden boundary fence trying to catch a six off Keith Stackpole. He was taken to hospital for an operation under general anaesthetic to reconstruct his shattered finger bones.

Fortunately though England's spinners did the job, dismissing Australia for 160 to win by 62 runs and regain The Ashes while Snow was on the operating table. He recovered in time to join in "the champagne-filled, beer-laden, hangover-inducing rejoicings of Sydney".

Snow wrote that the series in Australia "emphasised the gulf between players and administrators" and "I was sick of the biased attitude and incompetence which was apparent in cricket administration". The M.C.C. tour manager was David Clark, described by Ray Illingworth as "an amiable, but somewhat ineffectual man". And there were soon divisions between him and the players.

After Snow had bowled more than 50 eight-ball overs in the First Test he was rested for the state match against Western Australia, but Clark insisted that he practice in the nets with the others. Snow bowled a couple of desultory overs and Clark berated him for five minutes after which Snow told him "that as far as my good conduct money was concerned he could swallow it" and went walkabout until the next day.

Ray Illingworth smoothed things over, but after the Second Test Clark criticized both captains for cautious play, Snow for his short-pitched bowling and indicated that he would prefer to see Australia win 3-1 than see four more draws. The team only discovered this when they read the newspapers at the airport.

As a result Illingworth effectively took over the running of the tour with the support of the players and Clark's influence declined. When the team returned to England Illingworth said that "all hell would break loose" if anyone was denied his good conduct bonus (as with Fred Trueman in the West Indies in 1953-54.[45]), but this did not happen. However, Geoffrey Boycott and John Snow had to report to Lord's for a dressing down by the Secretary of the M.C.C. Billy Griffith for their behaviour.

Despite Snow's run-ins with the cricket authorities it is strongly felt by the current English management that he would be a positive influence on the touring party and are looking to welcoming him into the fold. Some sections of the media have questioned whether a 69 year old poet is really a suitable replacement for the younger man Broad. However, given the desperate state of the Australian team, it is not a major risk and will certainly pep up competition for places in what could be an Ashes retaining match.

The Jardine Report: Bringing back a veteran Ashes winner could be regarded as a knee-jerk response and a recipe for disaster. We here at The Jardine Report reckon if the Aussies are daft enough to try and bring back SK Warne then we're on to a much better bet by bringing back the Scourge of the Aussies. So, welcome back Snowy!

Hackwatch #4

The Aussie Press put the boot in.

The rabid hordes (AKA the Aussie press) have turned on their hapless cricket side with a positively English vengeance. They don't like losing, they don't like losing to the Poms and they most certainly don't like being humiliated.

The worst Australian side for 'two decades' is going to have to take it on the chin according to Robert Craddock, in the Herald Sun, who, under the header "Let's rearrange the deckchairs in the Australian team", wasted no time in laying into his previously beloved baggy greens: "Beaten. Broken. Bereft of options. Australian cricket has not been in such a parlous state for two decades. The team that lost to England will never play together again. It will be ripped apart like a Christmas turkey at a boarding house the next time the selectors meet. Desperate times require desperate measures."

Malcolm Conn in The Australian, followed up with: "Not since Australia's darkest days in the mid '80s has the Test team played so badly. Has the national side which was so recently ranked number one in the world really fallen this far?"

"Australian cricket has become a product of rampant self-indulgence" led self-styled Aussie convert Peter 'Robo' Roebuck's piece in the Sydney Morning Herald: "England soared. Australia floundered. The gap between the sides has become a chasm ... Australian cricket has become self-indulgent. Bold decisions are needed – and wise ones."

Shane Warne has called it as he sees it, genuinely fair in his praise for England and brutally harsh on a side that still features a number of his former teammates. : "I think if Australia loses another Ashes series to England then I think you'll see a youth policy employed by the selectors. And they will try to re-build rather than persist with ageing players." Thereby ruling out a recall for their best ever leggie, Mr Shane Warne!

Former Australian skipper the incredibly nice Mark Taylor, told the Daily Telegraph he wanted a recall for Mitchell Johnson, his "fighting" qualities bringing something special to the Aussie attack: "Johnson would certainly come back into calculations. He's only missed one Test match but he is a bit of an X-Factor for the Australians. He's the sort of guy who gives them a bit of aggro, and that's exactly what they need. They need some penetration from their bowling attack."

Fellow former opener Michael Slater also told the paper that he wants Phillip Hughes to replace Simon Katich in Perth and Nathan Hauritz to come in at the expense of Marcus North: "I know it's his home ground, but I'm not seeing the runs. Hughes comes in to open, Marcus North out, Haddin batting six and Hauritz is in there as well."

Pint sized Australian batting coach Justin Langer, on the other hand, saw many of Australia's problems as self-inflicted: "When you drop catches, miss run-out opportunities, do not capitalise on good starts with the bat and then take only five wickets in an innings you cannot expect to be the team drinking champagne afterwards," he told the BBC in his column. Which is pretty rich given his involvement in the Australian coaching set up.

However, it was left to Damien Martyn to have the last word on Twitter. Australia is notoriously harsh on its sportsmen when they fail so it was good to see one of them use up his limited allocation of characters to put a balanced appraisal of the victors out into the ether: "Well done England !! Credit were credit is due every since arriving in the country they have looked the goods well deserved enjoy the moment."

Botham v Chappell (Part 4)

Take that you cad!

Word reaches us that former Australian captain Ian Chappell has once again been found wanting after an altercation with legendary England all-rounder Sir Ian Botham. Rumour has it that the self-styled 'Biggest Whinger in Cricket' was on the receiving end of a fine verbal volley from Sir Beefy.

The Jardine Report: Chappell's eternal professional jealousy getting the better of him once again?

Swann, Swann will tear you apart, again!

A fantastic performance across all five days at Adelaide. Great batting by KP, Cook, Trott, Bell & the rest. And a stunning final day demolition by Swanny and the other bowlers. The only downside about is the sad news about Stuart Broad who is out for the rest of the tour. However, having seen 'Trembo' scare the bejeesus out of Australia A in Hobart, we'll be alright.

Ok, off to the pub!

From the Captain's Mess #11 - One-Nil!

2nd Test - Day Five

England bowled out Australia for 304 to win the second Test in Adelaide in truly comprehensive style by an innings and 71 runs and take a 1-0 lead in the Ashes.

The highly publicised rain never materialised as Australia resumed in glorious sunshine a mere 137 runs behind on 238-4. The key wicket of "Mr Cricket" fell for 52 in the sixth full over and James Anderson struck twice with successive deliveries.

Spinner Graeme Swann wrapped things up by bowling Mrs Xaviera Hollander and Peter Siddle to finish with figures of 5-91. It was an exceptional performance from England, with almost everything going according to plan from the first over of the match, when Jonathan Trott ran out Simon Katich and Ricky Ponting was caught at slip off the next ball, right through to Swann's final wicket.

The one blemish on the final morning saw wicketkeeper Matt Prior fail to cling on to a thin edge from Mr Cricket three balls after the obdurate left-hander had recorded his 23rd Test fifty, prompting fears that he might somehow pull the game out of the fire for Australia and secure a draw. However, 10 balls later Prior was relieved to see Mr Out heading back to the pavilion, when he attempted a reckless pull off the impressive Steven Finn, who used the new ball intelligently in the absence of injured Stuart Broad.

Mr Crap Pull was not in control of the shot as the ball reared up higher than he expected and he could only top edge straight to the expectant Anderson at mid-on. England still had to contend with the combative Brad 'Quite boring' Haddin, who had made a battling half century in the first innings, and he struck successive fours off Anderson. However, the Lancashire swing bowler soon took revenge when a snorter of a delivery moved away and caught the edge, giving Prior a routine catch behind the stumps.

Rolf Harris, Australia's best bowler, offered no shot to the next ball, which swung back the other way, and was given out lbw after a desperate referral. Thus Rolf became only the second Australian after Adam Gilchrist to be dismissed for a king pair in a Test match.

Former Australian Test Cricekter Marcus North was the only senior batsman left and well though he played for 22, he was sent on his way after England referred a blatant lbw shout by Swann. The replay proved that the ball was missing both leg and off stumps. Unfortuntaely for North and the umpire it was hitting middle stump about half way up. North's departure was the fourth wicket to fall for 25 runs in the space of six overs.

Xaviera Hollander's unhappy match (and Test career) ended when he was bowled by Swann, who fittingly sealed the victory with a perfect off-break that turned in between Peter Siddle's bat and pad to give England their 100th Test victory against Australia, their first win by an innings for 24 years, and only their ninth in 30 Tests at Adelaide.

The final wicket also gave 31-year-old Swann, playing just his 26th Test, his 10th five-wicket haul, making him only the second England spinner, after Derek Underwood with 17, to take 10 or more.


The Jardine Report: England hammered Australia over all five days and whilst the series still has a long way to go, we have finally seen England win a live rubber in Australia. Something that many Australians refuse to accept as a possibility (Messrs McGrath/Warne inc). And for that we should be very happy!!

From the Captain's mess #10

2nd Test – Day Four

Test All-rounder (!) Kevin Pietersen struck with the final ball of day four to put England on course for victory in the second Test against Australia in Adelaide.

Pietersen had Michael ‘The Choker’ Clarke caught at short-leg for 80 as the home side ended on 238-4, still 137 runs behind. England had declared on 620-5 after adding 69 in nine overs, Pietersen out for a Test-best 227 and Ian Bell on 68.

Graeme Swann took two wickets but after rain Choker and Mike Hussey took their stand to 104 before the late drama. With bad weather also forecast for the final day of the match, the decision to bat on by England skipper Andrew Strauss with his side already 306 ahead was questionable.

But Pietersen hammered the second ball of the day to the cover fence and added another boundary to surpass his previous best of 226 before a slog sweep skewed off the bottom of the bat to slip to give beleaguered left-arm spinner Xavier Doherty a welcome wicket. It also ended Pietersen's 116-run partnership with Bell, the fourth successive century stand of the innings, a feat achieved only twice before in Test history. Bell played some majestic strokes including a straight drive for six in his 25th Test fifty as England reached a total of 600 for only the second time in a Test match in Australia.

Matt Prior added a cameo 27, saved from his second duck of the series by a referral to the TV umpire after he was given out lbw to Peter Siddle and also when a top edge fell to safety as Ricky Ponting and Marcus North feared a collision and left the catch to each other.

That, combined with the sight of Simon Katich limping after the ball like an elderly war veteran because of a badly swollen Achilles, gave the Australians the despondent air of a beaten side.

But Katich rejected the option of a runner and with opening partner Shane Watson adopted a positive approach when it was their turn to bat. They took 17 from the first two overs, and with James Anderson and Stuart Broad failing to impress, Strauss soon turned to off-spinner Swann after nine overs. Swann made the breakthrough soon after lunch when Katich got the faintest of edges pushing forward and was caught behind for 43.

His dismissal brought in Ponting on a king pair after a first-ball dismissal on the opening day, but he opened his account from his 13th delivery with a stylish punch off the back foot for four when Swann dropped a fraction short. The Australia captain, who has eight Test centuries against England, the most recent of which came in the first Test of the 2009 series, aggressively swept another boundary despite the ball from Swann spitting out of the rough.

The next delivery pitched on an identical length but was a fraction straighter and when Ponting lunged forward, it held its line, took the edge and Paul Collingwood scooped up an excellent catch at slip. With their captain gone for nine, Australia could have folded, but Watson reached his 13th Test fifty with his ninth four, a thumping drive down the ground off Broad who was clearly troubled by a stomach injury.

Once again, however, Watson failed to convert his start into a century when he edged a useful delivery from the persevering Steven Finn low to Strauss in a solitary slip position and departed for 57. The skies darkened and held up play for 55 minutes, but once they had cleared, England were able to send down a further 19 overs before the close.

It seemed, however, that their hopes of further success would be dashed when Choker was given out caught at slip on 67 but he immediately called for the decision to be reviewed and replays showed the ball had touched nothing but his pad. Australia's vice-captain continued to play in bold fashion but might have fallen twice in successive balls as Swann continued to pose problems with sharply turning deliveries from wide of off-stump. One extremely difficult chance rebounded off the knee of Alastair Cook at short-leg and the next ball looped into a gap in the close-in field after flicking his glove. Hussey, meanwhile, dispatched a full toss from Swann for six but was fortunate to see a ball dribble agonisingly back past the stumps from the angled face of his bat as he reached 44 not out.

Pietersen was given two overs to try his luck and the change paid off for Strauss as he found sharp turn and bounce to force Choker back, with his defensive push bouncing up off the thigh pad to be smartly taken by Cook over his shoulder at short-leg. Choker was initially given not out but the referral confirmed the ball had hit the face of the bat - the batsman later weakly apologising on Twitter for not walking.

It was Pietersen's fifth Test wicket and by far the most important, but England will be up against both the remaining Australian batsmen and the elements as they seek to secure a 1-0 lead in the series.

From the Captain's mess #9

2nd Test – Day Three


KP struck an imperious unbeaten 213 as England built a massive 306-run lead on day three of the second Test against Australia in Adelaide.

Mr Pietersen hit a six and 31 fours as England made 551-4 before rain arrived at tea and prevented any further play. Alastair Cook went for 148 during the morning, but Paul Collingwood (42) and Ian Bell (41 not out) kept Pietersen company in stands of 101 and 99. It was the first time England had passed 500 in successive Ashes innings. Pietersen's double century was only the seventh by an England batsman in Australia and a magnificent return to form by the 30-year-old former captain, who was left out of the one-day team at the end of the English domestic season.

He was back to his dominant best as he completed his first Test hundred since March 2009 in the sixth over of the day, having resumed on 85 not out.
Only barrel-chested Ryan Harris posed a serious threat to Pietersen, surprising him with a well-directed rising delivery which flew past his nose and then tempting him into a hook shot which resulted in a top edge that fortunately landed in space on the leg-side.

Harris captured the one wicket to fall before lunch when Cook, having batted for 1,058 minutes since his dismissal in the first innings of the opening Test in Brisbane, got an inside edge to one that nipped back and wicketkeeper Brad Haddin took an excellent catch low to his right having initially been wrong-footed.
Despite his departure, the runs continued to flow, prompting Australia captain Ricky Ponting to try a 7-2 off-side field, but Pietersen merely stepped across and whipped Doug Bollinger from off-stump to the mid-wicket boundary.

And when Ponting put men out on the leg-side boundary during a spell by Peter Siddle, Pietersen accepted the challenge by disdainfully putting away two premeditated pull shots for four in the swaggering style of a baseball champion.
Siddle, his first Test hat-trick now a distant memory, did produce one delivery which swerved like a boomerang as it passed the stumps and went for four byes, but generally there was little assistance for the labouring Australian seamers.
Ponting then turned to his left-arm spinner Xavier Doherty, but he could only find turn when pitching closer to the edge of the cut strip than the stumps and was hit for two fours in his opening over.

Xaviera Hollander was unable to provide the control his captain was looking for and was launched down the ground for six by Pietersen, a shot measured at 103 metres, as he again failed to live up to the hopes of the selectors, who laughably preferred him to Nathan Hauritz at the start of the series. The expanding patches of rough created by left-arm seamer Bollinger were more suited to off-spinner Marcus North, who was given 18 overs and turned some deliveries sharply, a fact that will not have escaped the notice of England spinner Graeme Swann and which makes Australia's task in trying to save the game even harder. But Pietersen swept two fours off North in the final over before lunch, piercing two fielders barely 20 yards apart on the fence as England took their lead to 204 at the interval.

Australia made a breakthrough in the third over of the afternoon session when Collingwood was pinned on the crease and adjudged plumb lbw to Shane Watson for a well constructed 42. Bell settled quickly, however, and the only discomfort for Pietersen was an apparent hamstring niggle sustained as he pushed for the single to take him to 200. The home side appeared to have run out of ideas as Bell maintained the momentum with some delightful drives, cuts and pulls and he could well have become England's fifth centurion of the tour had the clouds not closed in and rain ended proceedings prematurely.

England's total when the umpires called a halt was, ironically, the same score on which they declared in the corresponding Test four years ago - which they eventually lost by six wickets. An indifferent forecast for the remainder of the match may make Andrew Strauss's calculations about when to call in his batsmen more difficult, but the tourists will still be confident of taking a 1-0 lead with three matches to play.

Meanwhile, Australia captain Ricky Ponting confirmed that opener Simon Katich would be fit to bat in their second innings despite suffering a heel injury while close fielding on the third day. He was forced to leave the field for a lengthy period to receive ice treatment.

From the Captain's Mess #8

2nd Test – Day Two

Alastair Cook hit an unbeaten 136 as England built a 72-run lead on day two of the second Test against Australia.

After his 235 not out in the first Test, Cook took his series aggregate to 438 with a chanceless knock as England reached 317-2 at the close. The tourists made a bad start to the day when Andrew Strauss was bowled by Doug Bollinger playing no stroke. But Jonathan Trott (78) and Kevin Pietersen (85 not out) helped Cook put them in a commanding position.

Once again, Australia's bowling attack was found wanting, with the seamers struggling to maintain a disciplined line and length and spinner Xaviera Hollander unable to justify the faith shown in him by the selectors.

England will hope to bat long into day three at the Adelaide Oval to build a commanding lead but will be mindful that the match is following a similar course to the opening Test in which Australia held a 221-run advantage on first innings but were unable to force a victory. With the new ball only three overs old, the home side need early wickets on the third morning. On the evidence of the series so far, however, it will need something special to dislodge Cook, who has batted for over 1,000 minutes since his last dismissal.

What marked out the 25-year-old's innings as something truly special was the way he avoided giving the bowlers even a glimmer of hope. After Strauss went for one off the third ball of the morning, Trott should have been out before reaching double figures and Pietersen - perhaps forgivably after sitting padded up for a combined total of almost 10 hours in the two matches - took time to settle. But Cook played to his strengths, flicking confidently through mid-wicket when the ball was on the stumps, despatching anything short and wide past point and anything overpitched through the covers, while remaining watchful at all times in defence.

It was a testament to his maturity that he was not discomfited by the shock departure of Strauss - the England skipper guilty of an appalling error of judgment as he chose not to play a straight ball from Bollinger which clipped the top of the stumps.

Trott had two early lives, a missed run out attempt followed by Michael Hussey's drop at gully when he had made only 10. It was an untimely mistake by Hussey given his remarks after the first day's play about the need for Australia to take any chances that came their way. Had Trott gone early, Pietersen would have been exposed to the new ball, with an out-of-form Paul Collingwood waiting next. Instead, Ricky Ponting's side were to have a lot of time to ponder the what ifs.
Cook and Trott shared an unbroken stand of 329 in Brisbane and, by the time the latter clipped Ryan Harris to a diving Michael Clarke at mid-wicket, they had added another 173 runs, having spent a total of 574 minutes together at the crease over the two games.

Trott's exit did not bring Australia any respite, however, as Pietersen came out bristling with attacking intent and after an early false stroke off Doherty - the man chosen to exploit his supposed weakness against left-armers - he scored freely.

His half century, including a lofted drive over mid-on and glorious drives through the covers, came off 77 balls and while he went through the gears, Cook continued his serene progress to his third hundred in four Tests, passing 400 runs for the series on the way. Among Australia's seamers, Harris at least bowled with some fire, but Bollinger, Peter Siddle and Shane Watson extracted nothing from an excellent batting wicket.

Part-time off-spinner Marcus North found some significant turn before the new ball was taken, good news for England's Graeme Swann, who could be the main weapon in their bid for victory if they can establish a sizeable lead.
Ponting must have wished he had a bowler of Swann's guile or James Anderson's penetration, which perhaps explained his decision to delay the new ball until six overs after it became available, despite Cook and Pietersen playing for stumps.
When, finally, it was taken Pietersen's riposte was typical as he collected boundaries off Harris and Bollinger to take England's total past 300. Cook faced a confident appeal from Harris in the final over, but the ball was clearly going to pass over the stumps and he survived.

From the Captain's Mess #7

2nd Test – Day One

Modest Lancastrian James Anderson took 4-51 in a superb England bowling effort as Australia were dismissed for 245 on day one of the second Ashes Test in Adelaide.
The visitors got off to the perfect start as Simon Katich was run out and Ricky Ponting went first ball. Anderson also accounted for Michael Clarke (FAC2010) before Shane Watson (51) and Michael Mr Cricket Hussey (93) led the fightback. Brad Haddin hit 56 but Graeme Swann took two wickets as England cleaned up the tail and finished on 1-0 at stumps.

Although the two sides were all square after the draw in Brisbane, the momentum was with England after their record-breaking second-innings score of 517-1 declared. England named an unchanged side, while Australia dropped Mitchell Johnson and Ben Hilfenhaus - and drafted Doug Bollinger and Ryan Harris into their pace attack.

The hosts had come under fire from the Australian media and former Test stars in the wake of their performance as England piled up the runs in the opening Test, and they provided further fuel for the critical fire as wickets tumbled in an incredible start to the match. Conditions seemed to be in Australia's favour with clear blue skies and a flat, hard pitch to bat on after Ponting won the toss, but their hopes of a big first-innings score were in tatters inside three overs as they made their worst start to a Test innings in 60 years.

The first wicket was a gift for England as Shane Watson attempted to scamper a single but partner Simon Katich was slow to respond and was run out by Jonathan Trott's direct hit from square leg. His diamond duck was followed by a golden one for skipper Ponting, who played forward to Anderson's next delivery, which was on a perfect line and took the edge before being caught by a diving Graeme Swann at second slip. You beauty!

Ponting was grim-faced as he returned to the dressing room with his side 0-2 and his mood must have worsened when Anderson struck again in similar fashion in his next over as a desperately out-of-form Michael Clarke edged a flat-footed drive to Swann, who accepted a far more straightforward chance. Clarke's dismissal left Australia on 2-3, and it could have been 12-4 shortly afterwards if the Lancashire paceman had held a difficult return chance offered by Hussey.

Hussey, a centurion in Brisbane, was content to play the supporting role as Watson took a liking to Steven Finn, hitting him for a series of fours through the covers to bring up his 12th Test half century shortly before lunch. But Watson became Anderson's third victim in the first over after the interval, carving an airborne drive to Kevin Pietersen to provide more evidence that he is a batsman adept at getting starts but not converting them into big scores.

Mr Cricket, though, is a different beast and perfectly willing to drop anchor for lengthy spells in a bid to turn the game in his team's favour. With Swann on for a marathon 23-over spell, the Western Australian teamed with Marcus North to add 60 from 26 overs, North's contribution a tortuous 26 from 93 balls before he shaped to cut a ball from Finn and gloved a catch to keeper Matt Prior.
In his 195 in the first Test, Hussey had taken a heavy toll of Swann's bowling, but with the spinner displaying greater control, he had to settle for accumulation as Adelaide provided a more even battle between bat and ball.

He only hit only eight boundaries, but collected them all around the wicket, and when his fifth wicket partnership with Haddin passed 50 some England fans must have feared a repeat of their 307-run stand in the opening Test. Swann continued to do all that can be expected of a spinner on a first-day pitch down under, as he slowly built pressure and then in the space of two deliveries he swung the match firmly back in England's favour.

Hussey was within sight of a 13th Test century when he prodded at a ball that found slight turn and edged straight to Prior and next up, Harris missed a sharply turning off-break and was given out after a referral despite his obvious belief he had got an inside edge. With the tail exposed, Haddin decided to hit out, but he soon lost the support of Xavier Hollander because of more bad running which allowed England to relay the ball between two fielders to Prior, who removed the bails to run him out for six.

His departure only served to increase Haddin's aggression, as he struck two fours through the off-side before outfoxing Anderson by stepping across his stumps to hoist him over the leg-side for six. But Anderson gained further reward when Peter Siddle clipped a catch straight to Alastair Cook at midwicket and with only number 11 Bollinger left, Haddin eventually top-edged an attempted pull off Stuart Broad which flew to Finn, who took the catch safely.

England's openers had to come out to face one over before the close and despite Harris exceeding 90mph with a couple of deliveries - a sharp increase on the low to mid-80s fare sent down by Australia's seamers in Brisbane - Cook and skipper Andrew Strauss survived to the close. Rival skippers Ponting and Strauss exchanged words as the players left the field, but the reason for the debate remained a mystery. Although it is a telltale sign that Ponting is really feeling the heat.

DRS (Decision Review System)

Amidst the vast amount of chatter about the DRS, one thing seems to have by-passed the majority of viewpoints. You don't have to use it. Just beacause it is an option to question the umpires decision, it doesn't mean you have to.

The current system is fundamentally flawed by the arbitary nature of only being applicable for up to two unsuccessful reviews. Surely, the whole point of having the DRS is to enable the proper decision to be upheld, the fact that 'fairness' goes out of the window after two misjudgements by the referring side is a nonsense.

However, current Aussie captain Ricky Ponting believs that the players word should be taken as gospel with regard to disputed close to ground catches. However, he is more than happy to refer any decision by the umpires to review if he doesn't like the outcome. Not for the first time the dank odour of hypocrisy starts to rise from the soggy remnants of a Punter outburst. If he wants his players decisions to be respected then he should do the same with the umpires' and therefore he should refuse to sanction any referrals by the Australian team for the rest of this summer!

It would then give him the higher moral ground from which to challenge the ICC to pass the sole decision back to the righful owners, the umpires (with or without the aid of technology).

Will it happen? Will it heck as like! There is more chance of Australia apologising for bowling underarm!

Jardine

Hackwatch #3

In light of the mauling Australia received at the hands of the English batsmen, it only seems appropriate to review the mauling they received in the various morning papers.

"Australia have been cooked and served up for supper", is how Peter Roebuck of the Sydney Morning Herald assessed events at The Gabba, where the tourists, inspired by Alastair Cook's 235 not out, put on 517 for one before declaring in their second innings and snuffing out any hope the hosts had of landing an opening series victory. "Their bowlers have been taken apart by an opponent that usually departs from Brisbane in a state of shock.

"Records were broken and the score rattled along till the head was spinning, a trait that eluded the local tweakers. With the terrible logic of sporting supremacy, 300 became 400 and then 500 and still no sign of a wicket."
Roebuck added: "The Barmy Army roared its approval and the locals were stunned into silence. It had been a long time since any Australian outfit, let alone its cricket team, was treated with such disdain by any opponent, let alone a bunch of Poms"

Greg Baum in the The Age was equally frustrated by Australia's failure to secure a victory having built a first-innings lead of 221. He wrote: "Rarely can roosters so quickly have become feather dusters. Here, shudder to think it, is England's future, and Australia's.
"Australia's bowling lacked not just bite, but teeth and gums."

The Sydney Daily Telegraph felt the result was a portent for things to come in this series as well as a true reflection of how Australia have slid from their undisputed status as the world's No1 team: "Australian players scoffed when they were told earlier this year they were the fifth-ranked Test side in the world following their 2-0 series defeat to India. Maybe it's closer to the truth than they care to believe.
"Their success on the first three days at The Gabba lured us into a false sense of hope. When Jonathan Trott leapt into the air after scoring the third century of the innings and you glanced at the scoreboard and saw the figures of 1-442, it was difficult not to think of the fresh hell that threatens to come."

Looking ahead to the second Test, which begins in Adelaide on Friday, The Herald Sun asks if it's time for Australia to "ditch Mitchell Johnson for 'wonky' Ryan Harris?"
"Johnson finished with match figures of 0-170 at the Gabba, the first time in 39 Tests he has gone wicketless, as England declared at 1-517 and the first Test petered out to a draw," the Melbourne-based paper went on to report.


The Jardine Report: Whilst it might be amusing to see the Aussie hacks pounding their own team into the dirt (and it is), it'll only take a good session for them to revert to the Pom-hating, Pom-baiting, standard Xenophobic drivel they've been dishing out for years. You have been warned!

From the Captain's mess #6

First Test - Fifth Day

The imperious Alastair Cook and dogged Jonathan Trott set a series of amazing records as England hit an extraordinary 517-1 on the final day of the first Ashes Test before declaring.

The match finished in an expected draw, Australia replying with 107-1 having been set 297 to win from 41 overs. Cook's 235 not out was the sixth best Ashes score by an Englishman and he also surpassed Sir Don Bradman for the highest Test score at the Gabba. Cook and Trott (135no) put on 329, the ninth highest England stand in history.

Australia ended a tough last couple of days on a relatively positive note with Ponting hitting 51 not out and Watson unbeaten on 41, but England will hope to take more confidence with them to the second Test at Adelaide.

Cook and Trott's unbeaten partnership was the most productive by an England pairing on Australian soil and amusingly the best by any duo in Brisbane, beating the 307 produced by Mike Hussey and Brad Haddin earlier in the same match.

Having managed only one wicket throughout Sunday's play, when Andrew Strauss (110) had been stumped off part-time spinner and marginal selection Marcus North, Australia toiled through a further 51 overs on the last day without any further reward. There were two more dropped catches to add to the three shelled the previous day, plus a spat between the graceless Aussie captain Ponting and the umpires when Cook was adjudged not out after Ponting had claimed a catch. Although rather surprisingly the Australian Captain has escaped a fine for being overly critical of the quote “Pissweak Umpiring” unquote.

With the draw the likeliest result before a ball had been bowled on Monday, the intangible aspect of England's dominance over the last two days is what the effect might be on Australia. The hosts, with a proud record at the Gabba, had established what appeared a winning position when Mr Cricket and Haddin gave them a first-innings lead of 221 late on day three. But by time the first ball was sent down on the final day, they already looked badly out of sorts.

The early loss of Simon Katich to Stuart Broad just before tea only served to emphasise the scale of England's about-turn in fortunes since the start of the final session on day three. Tea on Saturday proved to be the watershed moment in the match. Despite having taken a hammering, England took the last five Australian wickets in the final session that day for 31 runs, before Strauss and Cook survived the second new ball.

That set the stall for a stunning batting performance, with the top three in an England innings scoring centuries for the first instance since 1924. Cook was on 132 and Trott 54 when the final day began, the latter adding 21 to his score when Michael Clarke put down a simple slip chance off Watson. Cook soon went on to his best score in Tests with a lovely cut off Watson, before a single to short fine-leg, facilitated by a misfield from the luckless Mitchell Johnson, gave him his maiden first-class double century.

Trott reached his second Ashes century in as many Ashes appearances on the stroke of lunch, after which Ponting indicated to the umpires he had cleanly caught Cook at short mid-wicket off Miss Xaviera Hollander with the score 457-1. The TV replay was inconclusive and Ponting looked typically aggrieved, voicing his feelings to the umpires and the two English batsmen causing his side so much anguish. Perhaps even more worryingly for the fair-weather hosts was the fact that there were only a handful of Australian fans watching, though the Barmy Army were in full force lapping up every misfortune that befell the hosts.

Ponting then spilled a tough chance offered by Cook, again off Watson, before - following a series of memorable lofted drives by both batsmen - Strauss called his men in, thus sparing the Australians any further punishment. Hopes of a sensational, though hugely improbable England win, were raised when Katich tiredly nicked a catch to Strauss in the slips. After tea, Colly dropped Watson off Graeme Swann, a chance he should have easily snaffled at slip. And on a wicket that appeared to get flatter and flatter despite the widening cracks, Watson and Ponting proceeded to cash in, with Kevin Pietersen given his first bowl of the series. A sure sign that the match was destined to fade into a draw

The Jardine Report: After a tough three days, the England team stormed back and leave Brisbane with their Ashes aspirations intact. Australia have called up Doug the Rug and Ryan ‘Wonky’ Harris to join their bedraggled fast bowling ranks for the Adelaide Test. XXXX Johnson and honest toiler Ben Hilfenhaus look the two most likely to take the blame for an atrocious bowling performance. Although Ricky Ponting cannot be completely happy with his captaincy after allowing England to get so comprehensively off the hook. Michael Clarke (FAC) will be rubbing his hands (and his sore back) with anticipation.

A guide to Australian Whine

The standard Aussie journo can’t go more than a couple of minutes without a wicket before they resort to their second favourite subject, attempting to bait England about the number of South Africans in the England side. (Their favourite subject of course is the mental frailties inherent in any Englishman).

So, I thought I’d do them all a favour and list the top 10 whines to save us all a bit of time. Then perhaps they can start to look at their own (rapidly self imploding) team.

Aussie Top 10 Whines
1) English mental frailty
– We suggest you investigate XXXX Johnson’s mental health before pursuing that line of attack

2) South African quota in England team
– All very different when Englishman Andrew Symonds was battering hundreds for the Baggy Greens.

3) Negative cricket
– Not unlike the Australian team bowling wide outside off stump prior to Siddle’s excellent hat-trick. Or looking back to a certain one-day game, bowling underarm (Architect being of course current Aussie selector Greg Cheatin' Chappell)

4) Poor technique
– See XXXX Johnson.

5) The food
– From a country that deep fries everything.

6) The weather
– Having been on the end of another soggy Sydney summer, we think not.

7) Pasty faced poms who can’t take the heat
– The lack of Australian support on the 5th day at TGGH demonstrates just who can’t take the heat.

8) Dress sense
– Oh do behave, style tips from the thongs, boardies and vest brigade.

9) Warm beer
– A fair point but at least our beer has alcohol in it!

10) Whingeing Poms
– Again such an observation belies the fact that Australians are the most balanced people on the planet, as they’ve got a chip on both shoulders!

Keep calm and carry on

As final preparations are being made for the last day of the first test, it is essential that England don't attempt to force the game today. Whilst yesterday's batting performance gave the touring team (and supporters) a huge lift, the game is still nicely balanced and a few early wickets for Australia this morning could still see England under extreme pressure to save the match.

So, the message is simple... Keep calm and carry on!

From the Captain's mess #5

First Test - Day Four

England openers Andrew Strauss and Alastair Cook both hit centuries as we fought back superbly on day four of the first Ashes Test at the Gabba Gabba Hey. England had resumed 202 runs behind on 19-0 with Australia sensing victory. But Skipper Strauss (110) put on 188 with Cook (132 not out) in an English record stand at Brisbane, and vice Captain Cook then added 121 with Jonathan Trott (54 not out). The tourists went to stumps on 309-1 and lead the Aussies by 88 runs, with the draw looking the likely outcome. Soon to be ex-Australian Captain (First Aussie to lose three Ashes Series!) Ricky Ponting's could not have have envisaged his side only managing one wicket in the entire day - but that was precisely what happened, with Australia hampered by the flat wicket and their own modest bowling attack.

The Aussies made things hard for themselves by spilling catches. Strauss was badly dropped by Mitchell Johnson on 69, Cook gave a much harder opportunity to Peter Siddle at fine leg on 103 and Trott also gave a technical chance to Michael Clarke at point on 34. A torrid battle for survival appeared to be the order of the day for England at the start of Sunday's play at the Gabba. They had been put under the cosh by Mr Cricket Mike Hussey and Brad Haddin, and the situation appeared bleak.

However, there was no swing or seam, and little encouragement for the spinners either - with the only danger for the batsmen being the cracks in the pitch which, if Australia's bowlers could locate them, might cause the odd ball to misbehave. Cook looked in a little danger early on, edging Siddle wide of third slip, and then playing an ambitious slog sweep at Xavier Doherty when the debutant spinner came on which was top-edged high into the air before landing between fielders. Both men were positive, confident enough to hit a series of cut shots and off-drives as Australia looked to locate their outside edges. With typical sparse home support, the usual rowdy contingent of England fans were able to make themselves heard as Strauss and Cook dominated proceedings.They scored quickly, Strauss raising the 100 with a driven four off the first ball of Siddle's second spell some 40 minutes before lunch.

Eschewing a more cautious approach, Strauss was soon down the track to Doherty hitting a catch towards mid-off, but XXXX Johnson spilled an easy catch and at lunch England were encouragingly positioned on 135-0, with Strauss on 79, Cook on 51.
Strauss's 15th boundary, a late cut off Doherty gave him his 19th Test hundred, to join Sir Len Hutton at equal sixth place in the all-time list of England century-makers. It also ended a run of 13 Tests without a three-figure score, the last coming in the 2009 Ashes win at Lord's, although he swiftly fell to the part-time spin of Marcus North, stumped as he tried to hit an off-break over the bowler's head. Jonathon Trott proved an excellent second companion for Cook, however, hitting a lovely cover-drive for four off Johnson to take England into the lead, and the pair of the them were able to raise a 50-run stand off just 70 balls just before tea.

Cook began the the final session needing just two runs to secure his 12th Test century and second on Australian soil, and he got there with yet another cut off Siddle. Even when the new ball was taken moments later, there was not enough spark or belief from the Australians, and consequently Cook and Trott continued to find life comfortable. The second 100-run stand of the day was raised when Johnson was mercilessly pulled by Cook for another boundary and when bad light brought a slightly early finish, the Aussies looked relieved to head to the dressing room.

The Jardine Report: England's fight back had begun the day before with the dismissal of Hussey, since that attempted stab at a vainglorious six to top off a double century the momentum has swung England's way. Whilst there is still a lot of work to do to make the game safe, the English team will be delighted with the fightback, the speed with which the Aussies crumbled and perhaps most tellingly the lack of support from the Australian crowd.

From the Captain's mess #4

First Test Day Three (Tea)

When we are up, we are up & when we are down we are down... And boy are we down.

Haddin & Mr Cricket(!) have scored, well actually I'm not sure, let's just say 'a lot'! England look absolutely shot in the field and none of the bowlers are causing any problems. Colly came closest, twice nearly snaring Haddin after misguided slogs.

Teams coming back out and this is shaping up to be a very very bad day indeed. 436-5...

Oh and the beer is still XXXX but I won't be druv!

Jardine @ TGGH

From the Captain's mess #3

First test - Day Three (AM drinks)

And so it comes to pass Mr Cricket (!) scores what will surely be a match winning ton.

Jimmy has bowled well but we are looking underpowered and starting to look a bit ragged.

XXXX Gold is still a ghastly little beer but I shall persevere for club and country!

Jardine @ TGGH

From the Captain's mess #2

First Test - Day Two 

The annoyingly self-styled Mr Cricket, Michael Hussey, has inched Australia towards a commanding position after the 2nd day of the 1st test. Despite being half an inch away from going 1st ball.

England, backed by a more lively Barmy Army, had a strong afternoon session, dispatching the diminutive Ponting (soon to be former Australian captain), Katich and the luckless North. 

The evening session went the way of the hosts with the weather and light intervening just as the new ball became available.

On the drinking front, still no improvement on the XXXX Gold front. It is still a shabby watery drop with little or no redeeming alcoholic features. However, I will continue sampling it, just in case! 

Meanwhile, England need to remove Mr Cricket early or else...

Jardine at TGGH
Third attempt 

From the Captain's mess #1

First Test - Day One

Oh my giddy aunt. What happened there then? England cruising into the first test with their tails up and Australia in selectoral disarray and then within 3 balls normal roles resumed.

Strauss was justified in trying to take the the game to the hosts but his execution was poor. Thereafter England rebuilt their innings twice only for a rejuvenated Siddle to take a hat-trick and the tourists Ashes chances look anything but hopeful.

Sitting in bay 14 surrounded by the normal posse of Oi,Oi,Oi Aussies, the GGH was not the best place for any feint hearted poms. The frustration of seeing England's lower middle order destroyed was only surpassed by the lacklustre bowling response. If England expect to be in any way competitive they must ramp up their energy levels and body language.

It is only day 2 of a 25 day series but Australia have already taken a big leap towards retaining The Ashes and that is almost as unpalatable as the XXXX Gold served around the ground. If only the locals had a beer as potent as their gun bowler Siddle! Sadly they are serving up a lot of sloppy tepid nonsense - perhaps they should call it Mitchell Johnson whose bowling was absolute XXXX, which was the only bright spot for England in an otherwise very tough opening day.

Jardine at the GGH
Sent from my iPhone