In the Crowd, I don’t see a thing…

In the build up to the 4^th Test, there has been an interesting number of discussions about the make-up of both teams and by the time this feature slides onto screens both should have been announced. England very kindly matched my selection but a strong rumour has it that Mitch Marsh has managed to retain the all-rounder slot ahead of Cameron Green. Come what may, the two elevens are only one part of the fixture. 

 

The umpires of course will have their input, albeit in this day & age their influence is only felt after their competence has been questioned up to a maximum of 3 times each by both teams per innings. Our CCTV world has relegated the Umpires from arch decision makers to glorified ball-counting hat & coat stands, with their future involvement to be diminished further by AI in the coming years (welcome to the club)!

 

However, the fascinating difference could well be what happens in the stands, boxes and concourses of Old Trafford. The sanctimonious hysteria in the Australian Press, especially after the Lord’s episode has been quite something to behold. Patently none of them have ever seen or heard SCG members imparting their advice for overseas teams/supporters or sharing/showering their ghastly VB over incoming fielders. No surprise really given that the SMHacks are so far removed from ordinary fans these days. 

 

Cricket crowds have undoubtedly changed and in particular Ashes crowds have risen to the apex of passion and ribaldry. The emergence of the travelling Barmy Army (way back in the last century) has given birth to a couple of copycat Aussie outfits, most notably the Fanatics and the Richie’s (who don’t seem to travel). The obligatory fancy dress has gone from quirky to zany and back and the admirable colour days (Pink Test, Red Test, Blue Test to name but three) are positively embraced by both sets of supporters. 

 

In the early days of a more terrace-oriented participation the English support ruled the roost with a dazzling array of football adapted tunes and lyrics (well they still do, to be brutally honest), whereas the poor old Aussies only had (have?) two songs and they were pretty atrocious, namely; “Aussie, Aussie, Aussie Oi! Oi! Oi!” and the equally banal, “Come on Aussie, Come on, Come on. Come on Aussie, come on”. 

 

The Barmy Army (both home and more crucially away) would openly laugh in the faces of the bemused Aussie fans and then respond with any number of reposts; “You’ve only got two songs”, “You only sing when you’re winning/drinking/batting/bowling” etc etc. To be fair they have added a rather lukewarm version of “Advance, Australia Fair” to their songbook and a lacklustre rendition of “Waltzing Matilda” occasionally sees the light of day but seriously… From the land of Nick Cave, Dave Graney, Robert Foster and Grant McLennan, you would expect better, much better. But they should be so lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky! 

 

One of my favourite ever cricket fan experiences was in Adelaide at the beginning of the 2010-11 Tour. England were taking things a bit seriously and had arranged a couple of proper tour games, one of which was against a better than normal South Australian XI. I made my way down to the City of Churches (Aussie code for nothing happens in Adelaide) and headed to the ground. Play meandered on under an unrelenting sun and the arrival of lunch meant three things for travelling supporters. Find a pub, get some beer and write some new songs for the upcoming series. 

 

An early suggestion was to co-opt the melody of the old Bahamian folk tune ‘Sloop John B.’ made famous by The Beach Boys and someone suggested singing something involving Andrew Strauss along the lines of “We wanna go home, give up Straussy, we wanna go home”. The tune was ok, but the rather negative message was poorly received, more drinks were ordered, thinking caps donned and a more aggressive approach was required. A pen was requisitioned and I remember writing the following words on the paper table cloth with 5 or 6 members of the Barmy Army in attendance… “He bowls to the left, He bowls to the right, that Mitchell Johnson…” There was a pause around the table.

 

When the final version was written down, we all looked at each other. Cricket songs, unlike football or indeed rugby songs rarely had profanities in them. We looked and sang again, ‘Shite’ isn’t too bad, is it? Certainly, better with the addition of the northern e at the end to make it sound a little more Liam Gallagher-y. No sooner had we all stopped laughing uncontrollably at our creation, the beer drenched, ink-stained paper tablecloth was folded up and whisked away to be sent to Barmy Army High Command for ratification, publication and circulation. (Surely, they’d edit out the swear word). 

 

A few weeks later at the SCG, I had the joy of hearing those words echo round Moore Park as poor old Mitch came down the steps, walked to the middle, took guard, faced a delivery, tucked his bat back under his arm and trudged back from the middle and stomped back up the steps to the soundtrack of 10,000 recruits to the Barmy Army bellowing out ‘our’ song, replete with the additional E. At that moment we all knew just how big a part we had played in securing the Ashes. That song had been the soundtrack to the summer. 

 

Modern players say that they can shut out the noise, they are in a bubble, they can’t hear a thing but I know different. We got inside Mitchell Johnson that day and yes, we paid for it 4 years later when he took his well-earned revenge but in that Aussie season we knew the power of being a unified crowd. 

 

So, whilst on paper and man-for-man this Australian team (World Champions) should clobber this mixture of Joe Root, aging medium pacers, technically challenged and/or inexperienced batters and walking wounded that comprise the current England team (Reigning Olympic Champions!!). If the Old Trafford crowd can fire up early, we have a chance… Because

 

When I'm in the crowd, I don't see anything

My mind goes a blank, in the humid sunshine

When I'm in the crowd I don't see anything…

 

In the crowd – The Jam

Written by: PAUL JOHN WELLER

Lyrics © BMG Rights Management, Universal Music Publishing Group

Jack Nash

19/7/23

 

Manchester Dreaming

The Ashes 2023 press pack are quite a dreary bunch and I should know because I’m one of them. They invariably hunt & write as a pack. From the first time I sat in the press box at Lords for a long-forgotten B&H final I have always marvelled at the way a group of individually very articulate journos manage to fine tune their language in a way that makes them virtually interchangeable. The collective viewpoint invariably holds sway. 

There are notable exceptions, Mike Atherton & Gideon Haigh (who was a key contributor to JM96* back in the day) are two of the more individual thinkers, whose insights and perspective are to be carefully followed and cogitated on. The majority of the others fall into two packs, the bitter Englishmen and the one-eyed Aussies, both of whom thrash away in their own safe space before gently slipstreaming into a mutually agreed position. 

 

Current thinking is that England have backed themselves into a corner and go into the Old Trafford test without a Test level no. 3, having selected Moeen Ali to clog up that space on the scorecard and by picking Jimmy Anderson to replace the back spasm prone Olly Robinson. Thus, leaving England with one of the oldest bowling opening pairs in cricket history (again)!

 

In fact, the numbers might well suggest that Mo is a weak link given his 13.14 average batting at first drop, he has barely played any red ball cricket and even at the height of his test career he always looked better lower down the order. A left-hander with some glorious strokes in his portfolio but a man prone to succumb sooner rather than later to temptation. 

 

As for England’s most successful Test bowler of all time, it’s true that Jimmy has also battled to impose himself on the Aussies so far in this series. However, I could prattle on about the pitches at Edgbaston & Lords, but I’ll spare you the effort. If you want that head over to CricketGroupThink.com (C/O; Fleet St, SMHacks). Quite honestly though… who cares?

 

The truth of the matter is cricket is the ultimate dream sport. No other game embraces the past, the history, tradition and collective memory as much as cricket, whilst at the same time it relentlessly tweaks the present with an unblinking (if not always focussed) eye on the future. Cricket spectators, writers, administrators and players are all helpless dreamers.

 

Our Dreams (or nightmares) about that missed catch, that rash shot, that glorious innings, that club cricket tour that only lasted one over (with the rest of the time spent in the hotel bar watching Botham comeback from a drugs bar), that frightening spell by the demon quick, that plan to make cricket an Olympic Sport (again – NB. The Great Britain XI are the reigning Olympic Champions – that’s 123 years unbeaten!!) etcetera, are the essence of cricket!

 

A game without dreams can hollow out our soul, just ask anyone who had to tolerate a team lead by Don Revie, or another turgid one-nil to the Arsenal performance, or the 70’s/80’s win at all costs All Blacks, or the grinding cynicism of Argentina 1990, or Australia at Newlands 2018. Dream killers one and all. 

 

How does that relate to the 4^th Test? Simple – The dream goes like this. 

 

On a murky Manchester morning…

 

Stokes flips the 50p he cadged off Baz in the dressing room before heading out, Cummins calls ‘Heads’, the coin lands tails on grass. Australia had considered batting but decide to insert (a twofold rationale, the weather and to blunt the English penchant for chasing down any score imaginable). 

 

The ball starts hooping around from the off. England are 3 down within an hour, 5 by lunchtime for a paltry sixty-something. The sun bursts over Old Trafford, like a Johnny Marr riff shimmering in the heavens. Moeen Ali (dropped off only his second delivery) has managed to cling on, more by dint of avoiding the strike than anything else. 

 

But now, with Mancunian voices filling the air with encouragement, he starts to compile the innings of his life, from nudge & nurdle, he starts to glide and caress and finally slap and crack the ball to all parts of the ground. His century comes up in the second over after tea, a slog sweep off the hapless Aussie part time spinner and former captain.

 

England are finally all out in the 5^th over of the 3^rd day’s play (rain having washed out all of day 2). The ball is given to Jimmy Anderson, he walks back to his mark at the James Anderson end, he stops briefly, he turns and sets off…

 

The dream is alive! 

 

Jack Nash

18/7/23

The 2023 Ashes - 4th Test Preview by Jack Nash

 And so…

 

The Ashes often flatters to deceive, especially when England are the touring party. By this stage in an Australian hosted series, with match 4 looming, the home team’s only concern would be how to recover from a raucous couple of days celebrating series victory and retention of the blessed urn. 

 

Fortunately, recent series’ in the UK have at least been a little more balanced and the 2023 version appears no different. All three games, as my fellow scribes have rightly attested, have been close run things and either side could have wrapped up the whole thing if a couple more catches had stuck, or tails hadn’t wagged. Anyway, we are where we are, with both sides yet to fully fire on all cylinders and yet the entertainment and tension are bobbing along at the top end of the Botham-Stokes Scale. 

 

A few days out from the fourth test at Old Trafford and the armchair selectors are in fine form. England are trying to work out how to make up for the loss of Pope (the Ali-Lawrence-Root conundrum in full effect). They are also working out how best to juggle their seam attack with Robinson seemingly to be rested after his back buckled under the strain of too many bouncers and rather average chat (Sledging! – JR Editor). The more dynamic approach would be to reinstate Josh Tongue and give the Aussies a “lickle bit of an ‘urry up” but the more pragmatic and romantic approach would be to bring back THE Jimmy Anderson to assert control and add his remarkable guile into the mix. 

 

I won’t dwell on Jimmy’s series so far. However, I genuinely look forward to him sticking it to both the Aussie team, their rather ordinary press pack (boy, have I got stories to tell…) and the smattering of English talking heads who need to renew their assorted punditry contracts and reckon the best way is to be more confrontational than is either seemly or wise. 

 

Over in the other dressing room the question mark that has hovered over the head of David Warner (like Frank Gorshin as The Riddler on a theatrical fly) has swamped pre-match conversation in the clubs and bars of Warner’s home stomping ground of Coogee. The fact that his car park slot now reads “D.Warner bowled Broad” demonstrates the extent to which everyone in cricket knows exactly what’s going to happen when Mr Sandpaper meets The Nighthawk (aka Malfoy). 

 

Does Cummins have the guts to drop the pugnacious Warner? Is he worried how the opener’s wife might take it? Does the Australian Coach (name?) have a say in the matter at all? That decision might well have an impact on whether Mitch Marsh holds his spot. Cameron Green reclaims his place or if both all-rounders get a run. 

 

History suggests Marsh will lose out (as does Geoff Marsh who shared his thoughts with a roving Jardine Reporter a couple of days ago). Warner will cling on to his place and Hazlewood will replace the club medium pacer Boland who seems to have been rumbled. 

 

Aussie concern over the involvement of spinner Todd Murphy in the third test should not lead to him being jettisoned from the match day team in Manchester but the Aussie Coach (whatshisname?) would not confirm he was definitely going to play. 

Anyway, we only have a couple of days to wait until all is revealed. England will announce their team nice and early, which is either a sign of confidence or bravado (or both). The Aussies normally leave it until nearer the start: Clever? Cagey? (or both).

 

Anyway, not to be outdone. Here are my selections:

 

England

 

1.     Crawley

2.     Duckett

3.     Ali

4.     Root

5.     Brook

6.     Stokes

7.     Bairstow

8.     Woakes

9.     Wood

10.  Broad

11.  Anderson

 

Australia

 

1.     Khawaja

2.     Warner

3.     Labuschagne

4.     Smith

5.     Head

6.     Green

7.     Carey

8.     Starc

9.     Cummins

10.  Murphy

11.  Hazelwood

 

 

Jack Nash

17/7/23